The 40 Year Old Virgin Movie Quotes

The 40 Year Old Virgin Movie Quotes

I need some poon! I need genital to genital connections!
-Andy

He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys!
-Jay

Get the fuck out the road, virgin!
-Dude Driving Car

Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
-Haziz

I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
-Cal

Everybody dick look big on 60-inch TV, my sister's dick look big on TV.
-Mooj

I will pray for your cock.
-Mooj

Here it is - Boner Jams '03. It's a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2003.
-David

I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart.
-David

[to Jay] Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?
-Mooj

Paula: Andy, when I was young, I developed early. By the time I was 13, I had this body you see before you. Can you imagine that?
Andy Stitzer: I don't want to.
-Paula, Andy

Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.
-Andy, David

Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.
-Andy, Counselor

If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.
-David

You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
-Andy

I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.
-Cal

Yeah... she was adorable... fuckin' bitch.
-David

[regarding Andy's girlfriend as a grandmother] You can fuck her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that
-Cal

Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
David: What?
-Andy, David

[talking to himself, whilst riding his bicycle] Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is asshole, and that's what you guys are. You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up.
-Andy

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Your dick tastes like shit.
-David, Cal

AAAH! FUCK ME IN THE ASSHOLE!(after getting waxed)
-Andy

Boy at Health Clinic: Hey, do you have any extra large condoms?
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, Seth, please! You have a tiny penis...
-BOy, Dad

[to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."
-Jay

Jay: Listen to me, listen to me. You're fucking with the wrong nigga!
Mooj: Hey, hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand nigga!
-Jay, Mooj

The Hangover Quotes

Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.
-Cal, Andy

Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.
-Haziz

[on finding Andy in Trish's bed with a dozen opened condoms] Dude. Teach me!
-Mark

Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
-Mooj, Andy

That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
-Cal

[having his belly hair waxed]
Andy Stitzer: [yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!
-Andy

[after partial chest wax] This is not a good look for me!
-Andy

Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
-Cal, David

Trish: And what is this?
Andy Stitzer: [sounding exasperated] A vagina.
-Trish, Andy

Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
-Cal

[Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.
-Andy

Beth: I'd like to introduce you to my friend.
[Shows him a vibrating shower head]
Andy Stitzer: Your friend is so shiny.
-Beth, Andy

Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
-Cal

Beth: We could do it in the... butt, if you want.
Andy Stitzer: But if I want what?
Beth: You know... butt!
Andy Stitzer: But... what?
-Beth, Andy

Andy Stitzer: [pretending to talk to Trish] Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins, too? That's funny... I didn't even know you girls talked like that. I think my first time might be your best time, too. Well, I knew it. You know what? I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter will all the compassion and care that someone would give to their soulmate.
[cringes]
Andy Stitzer: Oh my God, I'm in trouble.
-Andy

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