Bad Santa Movie Quotes

Bad Santa Movie Quotes

I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 21/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!
-Willie

Oh, my. What a terrible accident. Mm-mm-mm...
-Marcus

Shit Happens When You Party Naked.
-T-Shirt Slogan at the end of the movie.

Kid: Candy corn?
Willie: Well they all can't be winners!
-Kid, Willie

Does your daddy have a car?
-Willie

Willie: Bet the store dick don't want this.
Marcus: Store dick don't want shit. Store dick's dead
-Willie, Marcus

Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie: Yeah? What?
Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no ****ing gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid: He made it all better?
Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the ****? No!
Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a *****. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
-Kid, Willie

Leave Santa alone!
-Kid
Funny Christmas quotes         Christmas Story Quotes

Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.
-Kid

Woman in Food Court: Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
Willie: [yelling] I'm on my ****ing lunch break, OK?
Woman in Food Court: The manager's going to hear about this.
Willie: You think you're a threat? You think you can make my ****ing life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot!
-Woman, Willie

Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, whick is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more ****ed up than Rodney King.
-Willie

It's a wooden pickle.
-Kid

If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you're gonna be so happy to hear from me, you're gonna do a goddamn back flip. You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get ****ing hat-burn.
-Marcus

Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
Willie: No, thank the **** Christ.
Kid: What about the elves?
Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.
-Kid, Willie

I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
-Sue

You're an emotional ****ing cripple. Your soul is dog ****. Every single ****ing thing about you is ugly.
-Marcus

I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV!
-Willie

Things are ****ed up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me ****ing her sister, now I'm out on my ass.
-Willie

It's Christmas and the kid's gettin' his ****in' present.
-Willie

Santa likes to **** fat chicks in the ass.
-Gin

Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: No ****!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Willie: No it was her sister.
-Kid, Willie

[Willie, as Santa, is scratching his butt while a line of kids looks on]
I don't think you should be digging in your ass.
-Marcus


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