Billy Madison Movie Quotes

Billy Madison Movie Quotes

Only cool kids pee their pants.
-Billy

No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
-Billy

[after Danny shoots Eric] Man, I'm glad I called that guy.
-Billy

Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
-Juanita

[singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
-Billy

[drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.
-Billy

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree, it's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!
-Kid, Billy

[to Billy] No milk will ever be our milk.
-Veronica

Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.
-BIlly

Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. I heard he's retarded or something.
-Scotty

I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
-Billy

[to Billy] Are you in 'Loser Denial'?
-Freshman

If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?
-Principal

Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
-Frank

[to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
-Billy

Tenth Grader: [after Billy pushes Eric and Eric falls over] Oh, gross... did you see that guys balls?
Tenth Grader: Yeah... they were weird looking.
-Tenth Grader

Veronica Vaughn: So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison: Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Veronica Vaughn: Really?
Billy Madison: ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
-Veronica, Billy

O'Doyle (Grade 12): O'Doyle rules.
Billy Madison: O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.
-Odoyle, BIlly

Billy Madison Quotes
anchorman quotes              happy gilmore quotes

[to the Third Grade Class] What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
-Old Lady

If pissing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
-Old Lady

Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.
-Billy, Juanita

[to Veronica] I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch
-Oldy Lady

Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.
-Clown

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.
-Billy, Juanita

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn't.
Brian Madison: Rock? "r-o-k"?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what's your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The "C" is silent.
-Billy, Brian

Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
-Brian, Bill

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
-Principal, Billy

O'Doyle: [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground]
Billy Madison: [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you're all in big, BIG trouble.
-Billy

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.
-Lunch Lady, Billy

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: '74.
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.
-Frank, Billy

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
[shouts]
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!
-Bus Driver, Billy

Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.