Dinner for Schmucks Movie Quotes
I have gonorrhea-I got gonorrhea from my wife, who got it from a bus seat.
Well I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm internal optometrist. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade-unless you don't have any water or sugar. Then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea. So...mamma-mia, poppa-pia, baby's got the dairh-hey Tim!
So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'
These people invited us here to make fun of us; this is a contest for the biggest idiot-which I nailed!
Oh my god! You know that is just so like you. You call a guy a douche and you get your first museum show.
Any one of you would throw me under the bus for a bigger bonus, but Barry would throw himself under a car to protect a mouse... that was already dead.
You invite idiots to dinner and make fun of them?
Julie's not a penguin, she's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin, ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate? I've never even heard of that.
Sometimes I'll be working on a piece, and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit." So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.
Brain control? There ain't no such thing as brain control. There's mind control-brain control is ridiculous.
Caldwell: My girlfriend is not a hooker.
Williams: She tried to give me a BJ.
Caldwell: If she didn't ask for money then she's not a hooker!
Kieran: Do you have any idea what it's like Tim, to be up to your elbow in a zebra's vagina?
Kieran: You should try it Tim, it's magical.
Susana: Uck! It smells like cabbage on this floor.
Tim: That's the smell of dead dreams.
Susana: I go to clubs at night and people are like hey, who's wearing the cole-slaw? Do you know how hard it is to get laid if you smell like cole-slaw? Not hard.
Barry: So do you guys want to get pizza?
Darla: I want to lick cheese off of your naked body.
Barry: Oh, I'm sure Tim has plates.
Darla: I'm a naughty schoolgirl!
Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.
Tim: Jesus Christ! Are you okay?
Barry: Ahh, yeah. I'm okay. Is that a Porsche?
Barry: Oh wow...I have been hit by a Datsun before, but never a Porsche.
Tim: My back, my back, my back!
Barry: Is it your back?
Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.