Eastbound and Down Season 3 Quotes

Eastbound and Down Season 3 Quotes

Episode 1

Hell yea I'm a sponger, I'll fuckin sponge this entire ocean up with my big ol dick.
-Kenny Powers

Booyah Shane, you always enter situations in a big way.  You burned that fuckin monkey, not you Darnell.
-Kenny Powers

You're so black... I mean that's a fucked up situation being all black. It's gotta be not fun except the dancing, the big dick rumors, being good at sports, and like all that other positive shit.  The rest of it fucking sucks.
-Shane

I'll be able to slap it, but I'm not gonna have time to flip it and rub it down.  Translation, I'm not sure if both of us are gonna cum.
-Kenny

As we say in Mexico, feliz cumpleanos to fucking Toby.  Not to fucking him, to like he's cool. Too fucking Toby.
-Kenny

Eastbound and Down Season 3
Ok Toby, here we go bud, we are gonna put you on the big people'e furniture, try not to shit all over it.
-Kenny

Set the pussy free.
-Kenny

No don't go ahead Jimmy, in fact why don't you pick up that ball and slide it right up your dad's butthole.
-Kenny

Jimmy: You guys are fucking rednecks.
Kenny: This is your fault Jimmy, you little fucker.
-Jimmy, Kenny

Oh shit, yall got a airbrushed t-shirt with some kid with down syndrome and a black girl with your names on it.
-Shane

Episode 2

Ahhh Jesus Christ, what'd you eat diarrhea?
-Kenny

He just puked all over your upholstery, I think his body's rejecting the pepsi.
-Kenny

Don't eat the puke just keep it on the shirt.
-Kenny

Kenny: And did you tell her to get her fucking lazy ass back to work?
April's Boss: No I told her to come back when she's ready.
Kenny: What the fuck kind of operation are you running here man?
April's Boss: Are you telling me how to run my business and you come in here with a baby in a bag, what's that?
-Kenny, April's Boss

Ha, that bitch just fell.
-Kenny

Kenny: What's up with the womenly tone?
Stevie: Womenly tone, there's no womenly tone kenny.  (In girly voice)
-Kenny, Stevie

Kenny: So you've forgot about the most golden of all rules?
Stevie: What?
Kenny: Bro's before hoes.
-Kenny, Stevie

Sachay off my property where I hold my Kia's.
-Ashley Schaeffer

Kenny: Now then Dustin without being all cunty, you may answer.
Dustin: We aren't going to raise your child.
-Kenny, Dustin

Now hand me my son, I have a life to ruin.
-Kenny

(Watching the kids on the playground after letting Toby go)
Ahhh shit, kids say the darndest things.
-Kenny

Mammis dumplings will make you cum.
-Scott

All I know is I put on a kimono and then they made me rub my dick all over people.
-Stevie

Is it true you taped a spoon to a rolled up piece of newspaper and then tried to explore her privates with it?
-Ashley Schaeffer

Episode 3

This is fucking EPIC, never thought I'd be in Myrtle Beach with Kenny Fucking Powers.
-Stevie

It's not healthy for me to put you on a pedestal, or put you above me, or think about how a world without you wouldn't even be a world worth living in.
-Stevie

A white baby needs care basically 24/7.
-Kenny Powers

Ivan: I grew up watching you as a boy.
Kenny: Don't try to date me brother, I aint that old
Ivan: I'm dieing to know how much better is America than the Russian place.
Ivan: By Russian place do you mean Russia the nation?
-Ivan, Kenny

Do you think I wanna hang out with my son, Hell no, I'd much rather be doing cocaine and watching the Saw movies in your dorm room with you.
-Kenny

Shane: You got nothing to worry about, I got my eye on the ball just like catchers are suppose to.
Steve: Well I got my eye on balls as well.
Shane: No kidding.
Steve: Yea all the balls, multiple balls, cause that's what assistants do.
Shane: Good luck watching all them balls Steve.
-Shane, Steve

I'm about to teach you some things that can't be taught Ivan.
-Kenny

I don't want my dojo to look like a place the cabbage patch kids come to fuck!!
-Kenny

I didn't just come down to Myrtle Beach for adventure and to possibly cheat on my wife, No, I came down to be inspired.
-Stevie

Episode 4

If you don't want me to take your truck give me a sign right now.
-Kenny (to Shane while he's dead)

I dunno, I thought your baby would be cooler, no offense.
-Stevie

Ivan: You really have major problems inside your brain my friend.
Kenny: Oh yea, well your dick is all dumb and smashed in and played out in those roller skating shorts.
Ivan: You don't know nothing about my dick, and you don't know nothing about surfing.
Kenny: Yea, and you don't know anything about Lance Mountain or Steve Caballero.
-Ivan, Kenny

Kenny: Crazy man.
Stevie: I know I can't believe he's dead.
Kenny: No the fact that you can capture HD video on a little phone like this.
-Kenny, Stevie

Kenny: Fine looking trim here huh?
Shane's Brother: Little to young for me.

Kenny: Not for Shane. One time Shane lost his pinkie ring fucking around with a girls c section scar in the bathroom here.
-Shane's Brother, Kenny

We loved the movie Top Gun, often times we would joke with each other who was Goose and who was Tom Cruise.  Well now that Shane is dead I guess we know who is Goose, Shane is Goose, in that motion picture Goose dies and Shane is dead
-Kenny (Funeral Speech)

Episode 5

I'm really sorry for what I did to you and how I upset you and gave you an asthma attack.  I'm also really sorry for positioning you right here to be the punch line of my fucking t-shirt.  That's not funny, nobody laugh at this.
-Kenny (to Kate)

I gotta empty my butt.
-Casper

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, Lets give it up for DJ Blue Ray.  Nobody spins that gay ass rape music as good as him.
-Kenny

I feel like my life has become Requiem For A Dream, and I have front row seat tickets for the ass to ass scene.  Toby's the dildo and I'm both assholes.
-Kenny

Hey Stevie, did you get cancer?
-Casper

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