Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-Dennis Miller

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
-Dick Gregory

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn't for any religious reasons.  They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-Jay Leno

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
-Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
-Bernard Manning

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
-Kin Hubbard

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don't clean it up too quickly.
-Andy Rooney

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
-Johnny Carson

If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?
-Don Meredith

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
-Kin Hubbard

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
-Larry Wilde

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
-Harlan Miller

Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.
-Gary Allan

Christmas is a necessity.  There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves.
-Eric Sevareid

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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.
-John Andrew Holmes

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
-Joan Rivers

Which Christmas is the most vivid to me?  It's always the next Christmas.
-Joanne Woodward

Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
-Mary Ellen Chase

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-Shirley Temple

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
-Erma Bombeck

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.
-Ogden Nash

I do like Christmas on the whole.... In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill.  But it is clumsier every year.
-E.M. Forster

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
-Robert Lynd

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?  It came without ribbons.  It came without tags.  It came without packages, boxes or bags.  And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.  Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.  What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.  What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
-Dr Seuss

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
-Dave Barry

Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends.
-Margaret Thatcher

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.
-Richard Lamm

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
-Garrison Keillor

For my Christmas lists, I send my letter to Mrs. Claus, because she's more organized. I guess it's because she's a woman!
-Abigail Breslin

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