Funny Facebook Status Quotes

Funny Facebook Status Quotes

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

“Facebook” Where I lie to my friends.”Twitter” Where Im honest with strangers.

Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.

The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever.

Facebook is a great excuse to talk to your self without looking stupid.,

People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

Cheated on Facebook with my real life today.

Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

If 'real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.

I think i have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?

Facebook should get a "I don't even know you" button, for the people who like to try to add people they don`t know.

Why is twitter better than Facebook? Because you can update your status every minute without looking insane!

Congratulations! You've just read this sentence.

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.

I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit.

If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

My computer beats me at chess. So what? It was no match for me at kick boxing.

Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?

I am in a relationship with studies and it's complicated

I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.

Boys insult each other, but they really don't mean it. Girls compliment each other but they don't mean it either.

You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

The Queen's been sitting on the throne for 60 years! Shouldn't she try a laxative?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Always believe a woman when she says: “You don’t want to know!”

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.

I stepped on a cornflake. Does that mean I'm a cereal killer?

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I just put down the mirror. Simple!

The awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing at the top of your lungs.

My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.

I hate when people see me at the store & are like "hey what are you doing here?" Im like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

Our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh!

She`s so fake if you look behind her neck it says "made in china"

If people winked in real life, as much as they do in texts.. the world would be a pretty creepy place.

Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way my drunk texts never leave my phone.

The awkward moment when you suddenly remember something really hilarious in a silent situation.

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong even autocorrect can`t figure out what you meant.

That awkward moment when push really hard on a door, and then look at the handle and it says pull

That awkward moment when your parents try to gangster talk to you.

That awkward moment when you see 9 year olds with boyfriends or girlfriends, while you`re still single.

My alarm clock kills all my dreams.

You never know what you have until..... you clean your room.

Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.

Hey haters, I found your nose. It was in my business again.

My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

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Why do kids that are 11 and have cell phones already? Who do they talk to? Sponge bob??

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home, Boy: throws bag out the window, Teacher: Who threw that?, Boy: Me, I`m going home.

Hi, Im Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2011, I’ll rent a boat.

When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me.

I have a Date tonight, Woot Woot! (of course its with the couch, pillow and TV Remote, but its still a date. Right?

If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read.

I’ll be a billionaire once I’m done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”

Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.

I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.

I wish I could google “things to eat in my fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Behave, What you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.

Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

Well, We have a poke button, now we need a punch and pinch and kick button.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back ever.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I said 'no' to drugs, but they simply would not listen.

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

I'd get a lot more sleep if I didn't insist on reading the entire internet every night.Always remember that stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

I do give waiters a good tip, but they never seem to take or appreciate my advice.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

At my age, actions creak louder than words.

Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

If I were any more single, I'd be a fraction.

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers, they can have the part behind me.

Be nice to nerds. Who knows probably you will be working for them one day.

Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

Not everyone is going to think I'm funny, some will think I'm hilarious.

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is not meant for you.

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke

fri(END] , boyfri(END] , girlfri(END] Everything has an END , exept for fam(ILY] .

My friends don't care if my room is messy. They only care if I have food.

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

I hate when its quiet and your eating something crunchy.

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-bitch."

Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, "You're next".

I dont have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

I do give the waiters a good tip, but they never seem to take or appreciate my advice.

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