Funny Movie Quotes

Funny Movie Quotes

The funniest quote from each comedy movie in our database by year.  Newest movies first.
Full List of Movies By Title Here.

I have turned your body into a boner machine.
-Jason (This is 40)

Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby?
-Cam Brady (The Campaign)

Magic Mike: You don't have anything sharp that I can stick myself with do you?
Girl at Party: No.
Magic Mike: Good, because I do.
-Magic Mike, Girl (Magic Mike)

Any one of these people could be an alien.  Check her out, it's like she's studying some new discovery.  Should I put it in my flavor snout?
-Evan (The Watch)

It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.
-Donny (That's My Boy)

Down here, not looking up your towel swear to God, not looking at your funny business.
-Ted (Ted)

I am for free press, fair elections, and equal rights for women....(starts laughing) I can't say that.
-General Aladeen (The Dictator)

Stay on that side Alex, this is the side where happiness goes to die.
-Craig (What to Expect When You're Expecting)

Think about it, our balls are where his eyes are.
-JB (Project X)

Hey, there he is my homeless brother, where's your cardboard box?
-Rick (Wanderlust)

You have exceptional muscle tone there young man, when did you go through puberty, like seven or something?
-Mr. Walters (21 Jump Street)

Ladies better be working hard you weren't hired for your looks.  Actually you were.
-Stifler (American Reunion)

Any ideas when this wedding might happen, grandparents do have a tendency to die?
-Sylvia (The Five-Year Engagement)

You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!
-Annie (Bridesmaids)

Have you ever tried the Australian kiss? It's like the French kiss except it's Down Under.
-Fred (Hall Pass)

I've been uh...meaning to ask someone, I noticed that this is a fishing village, is there a Long John Silvers on the island?
-Alan (The Hangover 2)

I'm going to start peeing with the door open, it's going to get weird.
-Emma (No Strings Attached)

I would create a fake family for that.
-Eddie (Just Go With It)

You have the right to remain silent... but I want to hear you scream!
-P.K. (The Other Guys)

These people invited us here to make fun of us; this is a contest for the biggest idiot-which I nailed!
-Barry (Dinner for Schmucks)

Yeah, the taxidermist. The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.
-Jacob (Hot Tub Time Machine)

Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon!
-Peter (I Love You Man)

You're like a giant... cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab.
-Columbus (Zombieland)

We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
-Stu (The Hangover)

I'm committing carbicide.
-Bruno (Bruno)

I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off!"
-Ira (Funny People)

I bang your mother one more time, then we go disco.
-Zohan (You Don't Mess With the Zohan)

When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail.
-Surfing Instructor (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

 In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
-Jackie Moon (Semi-Pro)

What I have to share is huge... and I want to share it with you.
-Carl (Yes Man)

I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!
-Red (Pineapple Express)

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
-Brennan (Step Brothers)

I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!
-Kirk (Tropic Thunder)

Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.
-Gayle (Role Models)

You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
-Pete (Knocked Up)

She's perfect for me. I wanted to say something funny, but all I could think of was black jokes.
-Dudley (Wild Hogs)

You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.
-Seth (Superbad)

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
-Ricky (Talladega Nights)

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
-John Beckwith (Wedding Crashers)

Well, your mum rang about going out tonight, then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
-Ed (Shaun of the Dead)

No! After next month, I am going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I... I know how that sounds but I don't care!
-Pam (Meet the Fockers)

Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
-Veronica Corningstone (Anchorman)

You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.
-Napoleon (Napoleon Dynamite)

Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
-Beanie (Old School)

We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.
-Van Wilder (Van Wilder)

Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.
-Farva (Super Troopers)

Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!
-Shrek (Shrek)

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
-Derek Zoolander (Zoolander)

You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?
-Jack (Meet the Parents)

Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
-Hank (Me, Myself & Irene)

Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.
-E.L. (Road Trip)
Movie Love Quotes             Facebook Status           Famous Movies        

You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
-Jim (American Pie)

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
-Peter (Office Space)

Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.
-Max (Rushmore)

I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
-Ted (There's Something About Mary)

So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
-Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.
-Robbie (The Wedding Singer)

The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.
-Fletcher (Liar Liar)

Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.
-Austin (Austin Powers)

Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.
-Roy (Kingpin)

Now your'e gonna get it, Bobby!!!
-Happy To Bob Barker (Happy Gilmore)

Only cool kids pee their pants.
-Billy (Billy Madison)

Oh look, a deli meat
-Tony (Heavy Weights)

Fat guy in a little coat!
-Tommy (Tommy Boy)

Boy, get your ass in here. I smelled your shit for... 22 years. Now you can smell mine for five minutes.
-Mr. Jones (Friday)

Oh, yes sir. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the army must keep that money 'cause I still haven't seen a nickel of that million dollars.
-Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.
-Randal (Clerks)

That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico.
-Zolteck (Little Giants)

Is that a cowlick, or are you just happy to see me?
-AJ Ferguson (Little Rascals)

Just when I think you couldn't do anything any dumber you go and do something like this.... AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!!
-Harry (Dumb and Dumber)

Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!
-Ace (Ace Ventura Pet Detective)

What if there is no tomorrow? There sure wasn't one today!
-Phil (Groundhog Day)

I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.
-Mrs. Doubtfire (Mrs. Doubtfire)

-Porter (The Sandlot)

That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.
-Wooderson (Dazed and Confused)

I'd like the cream of sum-young-guy.
-Wayne (Wayne's World)

Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.
-Mitch (City Slickers)

Thing, you're a handful.
-Morticia (The Addams Family)

Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.
-Detective John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop)

Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
-Tia (Uncle Buck)

What kind of a host invites you to his house for the weekend and dies on you?
-Larry (Weekend at Bernie's)

Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?
-Prince Akeem (Coming to America)

Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
-Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

The only thing we serve here is tongue! You boys like tongue?
-Mama Fratelli (The Goonies)

To me, marriage is a sacred institution. So tell me, you and the wife do it doggie-style, or what?
-George (Police Academy)

We've got cocaine and coffee. We're gonna get wired and have a big party.
-Axel Foley (Beverly Hills Cops)

No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
-Ralphie (A Christmas Story)

If someone doesn't start explaining what's going on here…well, there's going to be some explaining to do!
-Roy Walley (National Lampoon's Vacation)

The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
-Rumack (Airplane)

Well, thank you pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.
-Jake Blues (The Blues Brothers)

For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
-Navin R. Johnson (The Jerk)

Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!
-Tanner Boyle (Bad News Bears)

Now now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!
-Father of the Groom (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?
-Lili Von Shtupp (Blazing Saddles)

Hurry please. We have so much time and so little to see... Strike that, reverse it, thank you.
-Wonka (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)


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