Funny One Liners

Funny One Liners

Sure I'll help you out...the same way you came in.

Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

To All You Virgins - Thanks For Nothing.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

Funny One Liners
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24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

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