Funny Quotes About Marriage

Funny Marriage Quotes

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
-John Steinbeck

I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury.
-Unknown

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
-Finley Peter Dunne

The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
-Jay Trachman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
-James H. Boren

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-Michel de Montaigne

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
-Helen Rowland

There is a time for all things - except marriage, my dear.
-Thomas Chatterton

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
-Oscar Wilde

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
-Homer

There's nothing like a good cheating song to make me want to run home to be with my wife.
-Steven Curtis Chapman

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.
-Alexander Pope

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
-Colin Chapman

The true index of a man's character is the health of his wife.
-Cyril Connolly

Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.
-Sydney Smith

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps.
-Joe Murray

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
-Michel de Montaigne

Marriage, for a woman at least, hampers the two things that made life to me glorious - friendship and learning.
-Jane Harrison

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
-Robert Graves

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
-Josh Billings

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
-H. L. Mencken

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
-Ambrose Bierce

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
-Herbert Spencer

Married couples who work together to build and maintain a business assume broad responsibilities. Not only is their work important to our local and national economies, but their success is central to the well-being of their families.
-Melissa Bean

Married people from my generation are like an endangered species!
-Patrice Leconte

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
-Doug Larson

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
-Jean Rostand

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
-Elbert Hubbard

How could a man ever trust in a woman’s judgment when he knows she chose him for a husband?
-Curt Goetz

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer.
-Edgar Watson Howe

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-W. Somerset Maugham

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-Joey Adams

I've had an exciting time; I married for love and got a little money along with it.
-Rose Kennedy

I've had two proposals since I've been a widow. I am a wonderful catch, you know. I have a lot of money.
-Ruth Rendell

Funny Quotes About Marriage
Quotes About Husbands         Marriage Love Quotes           Funny Quotes About Wives

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
-George Ade

If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.
-Michel de Montaigne

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
-Mignon McLaughlin

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
-Alan King

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.
-Edgar Watson Howe

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
-Katharine Hepburn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
-Robert Anderson

In marriage there are no manners to keep up, and beneath the wildest accusations no real criticism. Each is familiar with that ancient child in the other who may erupt again. We are not ridiculous to ourselves. We are ageless. That is the luxury of the wedding ring.
-Enid Bagnold

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
-Helen Rowland

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
-Benjamin Disraeli

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
-Helen Rowland

It takes patience to appreciate domestic bliss; volatile spirits prefer unhappiness.
-George Santayana

It's not beauty but fine qualities, my girl, that keep a husband.
-Euripides

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
-Martin Luther

Love in marriage should be the accomplishment of a beautiful dream, and not, as it too often is, the end.
-Alphonse Karr

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something.
-Will Cuppy

Daddy was real gentle with kids. That's why I expected so much out of marriage, figuring that all men should be steady and pleasant.
-Loretta Lynn

Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.
-Abigail Adams

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
-Henny Youngman

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
-James C. Dobson

Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.
-Jean Giraudoux

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
-Erma Bombeck

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.
-Barbara Bush

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
-Frank Carson

He that loves not his wife and children feeds a lioness at home, and broods a nest of sorrows.
-Jeremy Taylor

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
-Mae West

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
-Josh Billings

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
-H. L. Mencken

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
-Oscar Wilde

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
-Lyndon B. Johnson

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
-Mignon McLaughlin

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
-Eddie Cantor

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
-Raymond Hull

All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.
-Edgar Watson Howe

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