Funny Quotes About Women

Funny Quotes About Women

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit.

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great
question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.

There are three ways to spread news:  telegram, television, and tellawoman.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.  To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue.

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.

There are three things men can do with women:  love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.

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A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.

Beauty is the first present Nature gives to women, and the first it takes away.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.

Women are like telephones they like to be held and talked to but if you push the wrong buttons you could be disconnected.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Brains are an asset, if you hide them.
-Mae West

I don't know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

Women are like an email in your inbox, you cannot wait to open it, and when you open it, then you realize its a virus.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.

Women get the last word in every argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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