Funny Quotes

Famous Funny Quotes

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
-Dennis Miller

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
-George Burns

If you think seven years bad luck is too much for a breaking mirror try breaking a condom.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
-Johnny Vegas

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
-Bill Vaughan

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
-Mitch Hedberg

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
-Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
-Robert Orben

We'll love you just the way you are, if you're perfect.
-Alanis Morissette

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
-Robert Byrne

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-Mel Brooks

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
-Ronald Reagan

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-Samuel Butler

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
-Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
-Groucho Marx

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchhill

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garafalo

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
-Jack Handey

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-Sam Levenson

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
-George Burns

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
-John Lennon

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
-Tommy Cooper

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
-Benny Hill

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
-Victor Borge

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
-Jack Handey

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
-Ronald Reagan

As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
-Laurence J. Peter

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
-Will Rogers

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-Jay Leno

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
-George Burns

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
-Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-Robert Orben

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
-Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
-Emo Philips

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Woody Allen

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
-Johnny Carson

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-Woody Allen

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-Rodney DangerField

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles M. Schulz

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-Rodney DangerField

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-Rodney DangerField

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Joan Rivers

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
-Rodney DangerField

I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.
-Charlie Brown

Funny Quotes
Famous Funny Quotes         Funny Movie Quotes         Funny Sayings

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
-Fred Allen

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-Bill Cosby

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
-Zach Galifianakis

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-Hedy Lamarr

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
-George Carlin

I'm bi-winning. I win here, I win there.
-Charlie Sheen

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
-Buddy Hackett

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-Jim Carrey

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-H.L. Mencken

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
-Fred Allen

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.
-Charles M. Schulz

There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length of your film, it's how you use it.
-Ben Stiller

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
-Stephen Colbert

Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
-Dave Attell

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-P.J. O'Rourke

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
-Will Rogers

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Bob Hope

The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-Mark Twain

Politics is just show business for ugly people.
-Jay Leno

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
-Mae West

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
-Stephen Colbert

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
-Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
-P. J. O'Rourke

I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.
-Kenny Powers

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
-Fran Lebowitz

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-Mark Twain

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
-Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-George Burns

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

They move so slowly. I know there's global warming but that's a fast process compared to getting the government to actually do anything.
-Larry Miller

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
-Stephen King

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
-Mark Twain

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
-W. C. Fields

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
-Joe E. Lewis

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
-Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
-Samuel Goldwyn

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-George Carlin

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W. C. Fields

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
-Charles M. Schulz

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
-Jon Stewart

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
-Jack Handey

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
-Bill Hicks

Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
-Norm MacDonald

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
-P. J. O'Rourke

The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
-Rush Limbaugh

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
-Louis C.K.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
-Zach Galifianakis

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.
-Cher

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
-Richard Pryor

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
-Jay London

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
-Dave Barry

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
-Joey Adams

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
-Dave Barry

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
-Garrison Keillor

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.
-Franklin P. Jones

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
-Doug Larson

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
-Zig Ziglar

The rule of my life is to make business a pleasure, and pleasure my business.
-Aaron Burr

Many people would be more truthful were it not for their uncontrollable desire to talk.
-Edgar Watson Howe

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
-Bill Maher

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-George Carlin

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.
-Richard Pryor

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
-Bill Vaughan

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
-Mitch Hedberg

A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.
-Redd Foxx

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
-Bill Maher

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-George Carlin

When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”
-Andrew Dice Clay

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-George Carlin

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-Tommy Cooper

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
-Jon Stewart

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