Funny Sarcastic Quotes

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

As a child I showed signs of photographic memory, sadly it never developed.

Wanted: Person to inflate balloons. The ideal candidate knows how to blow things out of proportion

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

When you think your best isn’t good enough, more than likely it isn’t.

Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

The best things in life are shipping and handling.

Is there another word for synonym?

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

REHAB is for quitters

You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole

Guys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicap!

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Don't blame yourself. Let me do it.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
Funny One Liners         More Quotes

My loyalty cannot be brought, however, it can be rented.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

I'm not fluent in IDIOT, So please speak slowly and clearly.

Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I think , Therefore we have nothing in common.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

If I got smart with you how would you know?

That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Every One Has The Right To Be Stupid But You're Abusing the Privilege.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

You can't tell a book by its movie.

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

Deep down I'm a very shallow person.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

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