Funny Sayings

Funny Sayings

1)I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

2)Money talks ... but all mine ever says is goodbye!

3)I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

4)I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

5)Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

6)I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

7)I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better. 

8)My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil .  

10)When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

11)I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 

12)I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

13)Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. 

14)Doing nothing is very hard to never know when you're finished.

15)I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. 

16)If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight? 

17)If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum. 

18)If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?       

19)Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.

20)Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

21)The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

22)Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

23)My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

24)War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

25)Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship

26)We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

27)Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

28)I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

29)How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

30)If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

31)A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

32)If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

33) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

34)A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

35)If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

36)Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

37)Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

38)You can't have everything….where would you put it?

39)You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

40)Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

41)If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

42)Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

43)I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

44)God must love stupid people, he made so many.

45)When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

46)God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

47)I'm an atheist, thank God.

48)Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.

49)Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol. 

50)People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
51) After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush

Better late than really late.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A good friend would come bail you out of jail. A great friend would be sitting in the jail cell with you saying, “That was fun!”.

This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

58) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 

59) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

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60) If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

61) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

62) Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

64) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A good friend would come bail you out of jail. A great friend would be sitting in the jail cell
with you saying, “That was fun!”

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

67) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?” 

68) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

69) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

70) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

71) I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

72) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

73) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

74) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

75) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

76) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

78) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

79) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

80) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

81) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

82) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

83) Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you ca n’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

84) In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
85) Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
87) I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only
their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
94) What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

The road to success is always under construction

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

101) While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

102) Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

103) The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.

104) I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

105) You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.

106) A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

107) If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

108) I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing.

109) I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year.

110) If life give you lemons, squirt your enemy’s eye.

111) C.L.A.S.S – Come Late And Start Sleeping

112) I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

113) Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.

114) Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except herpes. That shit'll come back with you.

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