Funny Seinfeld Quotes

Funny Seinfeld Quotes

I'm speechless. I have no speech.
–George Costanza

If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
–Kramer

You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
– George Costanza

Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
– George Costanza

The cat - mrrreeeooowww - is out of the bag!
 –Kramer

You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?
–Frank Costanza

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Yo Yo Ma.
–Kramer

I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
–Elaine Benes

It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
– George Costanza

I have been performing feats of strength all morning.
 – Frank Costanza

Then the have the Automic wedgy, now the goal there is to get the waste band above the head.
-Jerry

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
– George Costanza

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
–George Costanza

Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
–George Costanza

Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
–Newman

I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super bowl sex romp.
–Jerry Seinfeld

I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
–George Costanza

See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
–Kramer

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
–Kramer

He fires people like it's a bodily function!
–George Costanza

Seinfeld
Here's to feeling good all the time.
–Kramer

I'll be back. We'll make out.
–David Puddy

Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
–Newman

As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
- Kramer

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- Jerry

"Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
"How old are you?"
- Jerry and Elaine

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry

"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
- Kramer

"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."
- George

"I want you to find out if she likes me."
"Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?"
- George and Elaine

"I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!"
"And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins."
- George and Jerry

"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
- Jerry

"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
- George

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George

It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
- George

She had man-hands!
- Jerry

I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!
- Kramer

Of course me and Zach have been dating, what'd you think I was the office skank?
-Elaine

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.
- Jerry

I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
- George

I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution.
- George

I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around.
- Elaine

"I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about."
- Elaine

You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
- Elaine

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
- Jerry

Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you?
- Jerry

I'm here to make you not suck.
-Tim Whatley

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