Funny Sex Quotes

Funny Sex Quotes

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Marry him not for money or riches, but for what hangs in his britches.

Men don't use sex to get what we want, sex is what we want!

Love is a name. Sex is a game. Forget the name. Let's play the game!

Sex without love is merely physical exercise. But that's real healthy, isn't it?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-Joan Rivers

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Men get laid, but women get screwed.

There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Funny Sayings         Pick Up Lines            Drinking Sayings

Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Sex is emotion in motion.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.

The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work.

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:  One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.  The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.
-Butch Hancock

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant.
-Margaret Cho

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

The rule of my life is to make business a pleasure, and pleasure my business.

A hard man is good to find.
-Mae West

Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.