I am telling everyone here that there's no way I can be pregnant, because I have had my period for the last 61 days.
-Liz
I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.
-Jack
I can talk to animals! Well, not talk to them. I can take commands from them.
-Kenneth
Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?
-Liz
You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.
-Liz
Last night I had sex with Paula, and neither of us was wearing a Walkman.
-Pete
Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob.
-Lutz
Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
-Jenna
Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
-Jenna
Remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves.
-Jack
I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
-Liz
I'm as happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
-Trac
New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.
-Jack
It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
-Liz
For your information, I am a Christian illiterate, so that's not an option.
-Randi
It's not at all erotic and fun like when men do it to women. Have you ever been sexually harassed?
-Jack
Lemon, you look terrible, and I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.
-Jack
Holidays without drinking are rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was, and I cannot play the guitar.
-Tracy
As you know, my single, "My Single Is Dropping," is dropping.
-Angie
Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?
-Tracy
We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars. White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, and heart disease.
-Tracy
My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.
-Liz
I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.
-Kenneth
Why does anyone go to Miami? Ass and the burgeoning art scene.
-Jack
There's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth: listening is twice as important as talking. But he gave us ten fingers ... he must really want us to poke things!
-Kenneth
Can I get you a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema?
-Jenna
If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?
-Liz
I'll tell you who has it the hardest: white men. We make the unpopular, difficult decisions; we land on the moon and Normandy beach, and yet they resent us.
-Jack
Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since my brother and I went to Neverland ranch.
-Kenneth
Is this the way my life is supposed to play out? The kid who walked four miles every Saturday to caddy because mother said golf was a game for businessmen? Paid his way through Princeton by working the day shift at the graveyard and the night shift at that Days Inn?
-Jack
I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
-Jack
Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple.
-Jenna
We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
-Jack
Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them, you wind up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.
-Jack
Okay, fine, maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.
-Liz
Relationships are like sharks, Liz: if you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.
-Jenna
If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it.
-Liz
Good God. Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.
-Jack
You remember Donald, my son who's two years older than me.
-Tracy
What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped.
-Tracy
Jack:Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz:A businesswoman.
Jack:I don't think that's a word.
-Jack, Liz
Everyone I ever dated in high school was either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.
-Liz
Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society—by which I mean I got fired.
-Pete
I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
-Kenneth
I get my hair cut every two days—after all, your hair is your head suit.
-Jack
Liz:So you're sabotaging him.
Jenna:Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing at our family's Christmas party.
-Liz, Jenna
You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident.
-Jack
I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.
-Jack
Tell her you want your privates and her privates to do high-fives.
-Tracy
I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
-Tracy
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.
-Tracy
I don't know who I am anymore! There's been a black man inside of me for a long time! Now there's a white guy up in here, too! It's like a audience for a Bobby McFerrin concert up in here!
-Tracy
You know how pissed off I was when Us Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill!
-Tracy
Tracy:So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz:I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
-Tracy, Liz
I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway!
-Jenna
I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome-to-the-building party for him, but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say, 'Oh it's the wrong night.' And then he'll laugh and say, 'One glass couldn't hurt,' and then I will put my mouth on his mouth.
-Liz
I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards, and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the arena in a penis-shaped parachute.
-Tracy
Did I come across as interesting? Because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
-Jenna
Your boos are not scaring me! I know most of you are not ghosts!
-Tracy
You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
-Dennis
Jack:I'm going to hire Devon Banks.
Liz:Banks? He's your nemesis! That would be like me hiring that mouse that keeps pooping in my slippers.
–Jack, Liz
I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question?
-Tracy
Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong...if the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome.
-Pete
Luckily, I had the essentials in my carry-on: toiletries, closed-toe shoes, and the State Department-recommended mosquito head-net.
-Liz
Money can't buy happiness. It is happiness.
-Jack
Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.
-Tracy
Not only is your fly open, there's a pencil sticking out of it.
-Jack
Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm.
-Paul
I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
-Tracy
Obviously I care about her a lot, but she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that sex and love are somehow connected.
-Jack
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