American Dad Quotes

American Dad Quotes

They're like vampires... or the gays!
-Stan

You look like a two dollar whore. And keep in mind that the dollar is weak right now. So, to wrap up, that's an insult.
-Stan

Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?
-Stan

This is nature Bitch! We're getting primal in this house!
-Stan

Hey Jackson, did you ever do it with a dead mermaid?
-Stan

Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed, like a queen or a quadriplegic.
-Stan

Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!
-Stan

Steve, how many times have I told you, that, if children get less than 8 hours sleep their boy glands emit a pleasant berry scent that attracts pedophiles.
-Stan

Francine, I made a mistake, can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and forgive it?
-Stan

Can you believe we're going to meet Densel Washington, he's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate.
-Stan

You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy.
-Stan

Hmm, no time to poop, I just do it on the way down the stairs, you're going to vacuum anyway, right?
-Stan

Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.
-Stan

Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.
-Stan

Come on Francine. Don't make me late for church again. God pays twice as much attention on Christmas... Like the media, when a white kid goes missing.
-Stan

Forget her, I can cook! Here we go, Mac and Cheese. "Boil the water". What am I, a chemist?
-Stan

She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen.... And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.
-Stan

I decided to book us a romantic get-away, to Texas, where the President pretends to be from.
-Francine

It's okay honey, you don't look like a giant penis.
-Francine

I've had to pee since the 70s.
-Francine

I did my bit to save water, I showered with the salad plates.
-Francine

I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
-Steve

I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!
-Steve

Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.
-Newspaper Headline

I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.
-Newspaper Headline

Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? 'glug glug' Hmmm, it tastes like it may kill me.
-Roger

Oh my God what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?
-Roger

I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.
-Roger

Oh, I love your religion, for the crazy. Virgin birth, water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
-Roger

Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in the trash?
-Roger

Boy, it's a good thing I don't have testes because there is zero room left in these pants. Go ahead, try and stick your pinky in there. It can't be done.
-Roger

God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?
-Roger

Hi I wonder if you can help me? I'm not drunk!
-Roger

I've had sex with a lot of women, and you... had better get tested.
-British Spy

I love Mexicans, some say they are essential to our economy, others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is burritos are delicious.
-President Bush

Steve Smith: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
Stan Smith: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.
-Steve, Stan

Francine Smith: Anything for me?
Stan Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.
-Francine, Stan

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