Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Cheryl: I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry: I don't like talking to people I know. Strangers, I don't have a problem with.
-Cheryl, Larry

Here, I'll tell you a secret: I might be losing a testicle.

Jeff: Why didn't you say hello to him? You know him.
Larry: I know. He wanted to do a stop-and-chat. I didn't want to do a stop-and-chat.
Jeff: "Stop-and-chat?" Where do you come up with these things?
-Jeff, Larry

Larry: You gotta get a shot and stick it in her ass.
Richard: She's not a racehorse.
-Larry, Richard

Are we settled down, you think? I mean, what do you have to be to be settled down? We have a house and chairs

Cheryl: Larry, what is in your nose?
Larry: It's a tampon.
-Cheryl, Larry

Stella: It sounds like you appreciate the art form.
Larry: Well I appreciate naked women.
-Stella, Larry

Have you set a day aside when you're gonna finally look at her face?

See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Larry: Nobody wants to have, apparently, anything to do with me because of Shaquille O'Neal.
Cheryl: That's kind of sad.
Larry: Sad? What are you, crazy?
-Larry, Cheryl

Richard: How did you see a small mole from where you were sitting?
Larry: Well I have breast vision.
-Richard, Larry

Ted: Have you ever done anything like this?
Larry: Uh, I once invested in a whore house.
-Ted, Larry

Mommy, Mommy, that bald man's in the bathroom, and there's something hard in his pants!

I think I'll go get myself a heterosexual single woman to play golf with.

Monena: You bought me one little raggedy-ass hot dog!
Larry: Yeah, which you proceded to blow!
-Monena, Larry

Monena: I can give four blow jobs an hour.
Larry: Four blow jobs an hour?
Monena: Oh yes, I'm good.
-Monena, Larry

She was upset? Her dog pooped all over my yard, three times.

Have you heard of Switzerland? It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I am homeless, except I don't stink!

I thought he had the "good" Hodgkins.

Larry: I'm a man of honor.
Acupuncturist: It's a family tradition, honor.
Larry: Well, it's not in my family, but I'm trying to break the mold.
-Larry, Acupuncturist

Why don't we call the terrorists and ask them could they pick another weekend that's more suited for you?

I have no problem with crying in a grocery store. I would suggest, however, the next time you feel overwhelmed by something, to go to a different section.

Hugh: F**k you!
Larry: F**k Hugh!
-Hugh, Larry

Hygienist: You remind me of my college history teacher.
Larry: Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?
-Hygienist, Larry

You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Cheryl: Well, I think you should write a letter of apology to him.
Larry: "Dear prick, why are you such a prick?"
-Cheryl, Larry

So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good

Richard: A lot of people call me who are suicidal.
Larry: I don't think you'd be my suicide call.
-Richard, Larry

You called me old? You're two days older than I am.

I thought I'd never say this, but Larry is right.

My wife tells her friend I'm looking for somebody to go to the movies with, so now I'm going to the the movies with my wife's friend, who I find really annoying.

I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good place for bald people out there

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other n*gga. Hey baldy. Ya know.

Larry: An ounce of schwag, $200.
Dealer: $200.
Larry: Is that a fair price you're quoting me there, sir?
Dealer: Look, you can pay me $200 or go fuck yourself. I don't need to sell the drugs. The drugs'll sell themselves.
-Larry, Dealer

(on picking up women) This is the thing that I'm the worst at in the world. This and drawing.

Larry: He implied that I was lying about my step-father.
Jeff: You don't have a step-father!
Larry: But I didn't like the implication
-Larry, Jeff

Eddie: By the way, your lunch is on me.
Larry: I already paid for it.
Eddie: Even better.
-Eddie, Larry

You come here to fuck or you come here to talk about your dirty suit? Hmm? Fuck or suit?

Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

Cady: People are gonna love you.
Larry: Why are they gonna love me? People dislike me intensely.
-Cady, Larry

You throw in a "f**k," you double your laughs.

Larry: I think I got a guy for you.
Haboos: A blind date?
Larry: Literally.
-Larry, Haboos

First of all, I commend you on the demographics. A Black, an Asian, and are you a Jew per chance?

Walter: Are you Jewish?
Larry: You wanna check my penis?
-Walter, Larry

Anna Nicole Smith. She's got some pair of knockers on her, huh?

You should have recused yourself. We can't go up against each other. It's in the code. The bald code.

You know what you are? You're a social assassin.

Larry: I waved to a guy in a Prius and he didn't wave back.
Jeff: I don't wave to people in the same car as me.
Larry: We're Prius drivers; we're a special breed.
-Larry, Jeff

You're saying LOL. You're verbal texting.

Can you shoot the whales from this balcony? Because sometimes I like to have blubber for breakfast

Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: Do you crap standing up?
-Marty, Larry

I know we have our problems with these people, but man oh man, do they know what they're doing, chicken wise.

He has no balls. I have a solid single ball.

I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.

Weatherman: The jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the earth. You know who controls that? God!
Larry: There's a jet stream of bulls**t coming out of your mouth, my friend.
-Weatherman, Larry

Larry: Why don't you get a divorce?
Funkhouser: I'm too lazy.
-Larry, Funkhouser

Cheryl: Why am I always the one who initiates sex?
Larry: I'm available for sex all the time, basically, so anytime you want to have it, you can have it.
Cheryl: Wow.
Larry: But anytime I want to have it, I can't--just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder
-Cheryl, Larry

Larry: You really are your mother's daughter, aren't you?
Sammy: Yeah. Now get the f*ck out my driveway you bald prick.
-Larry, Sammy

You're comparing breasts with balls? People hate balls.

Larry: I changed my mind. I'd like to get it back.
Richard Lewis: You can't be an East Indian-giver.
-Larry, Richard

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

(goading Wanda) I need a black man to get my car! Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?

Larry: Why are you fucking around with married women?
Leon: Ass is ass, Larry.
-Larry, Leon

You know I've never actually seen the vagina with my glasses on. I don't really have any idea of what it looks like. It's all a hazy mystery to me

My mother had a tattoo on her ass?

A gay Jew in Nazi Germany. He must have had a hard time.

Lucy: Here's to The Vagina Monologues.
Jeff: Hey, here's to the vagina
-Lucy, Jeff

Cheryl: Larry, please, it's fine. I don't know what you want me to say to you.
Larry: How about, "honey, I forgive you, would you like to have sex?"
-Cheryl, Larry

Larry: You know how bookstores make you feel stupid?
Jeff: Yeah.
Larry: Well health food stores make me feel really unhealthy.
-Larry, Jeff

Shara: I like you.
Larry: What's not to like.
Shara: Ehh, you're a Jew.
-Shara, Larry

Joanne: My partner and I are adopting a baby.
Larry: You got yourself a partner! I got a wife. Not exactly a partner. More like a rival.
-Joanne, Larry

Everybody's getting a chance to get divorced except me.

Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about.

Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies.
Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal!
Larry: I thought he was a monkey.
-Becky, Larry

Next time you do one of these [dinner parties], I want some Jews in the house. Some Cohns, some Bernsteins, some Goldsteins... a Schwartz

Larry: How long do you think I'd want to do that for?
Jeff: I don't know? All night long, I would assume.
Larry: It gets boring, come on.
Jeff: Fucking's boring?
-Larry, Jeff

Wang isn't a bad first name. Wang. Then you got the whole "-ang" family. Fang, Bang, Tang.

Krazee Eyez: I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and a pop.
Larry: Oh, I like the Rice Krispies thing, yeah.
-Krazee, Larry

Craig: How long were you and Cheryl dating before you got married?
Larry: Not that long, really. We were friends for a while, and after we had intercourse we got married very quickly
-Craig, Larry

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