Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Cheryl: I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry: I don't like talking to people I know. Strangers, I don't have a problem with.
-Cheryl, Larry

Here, I'll tell you a secret: I might be losing a testicle.
-Larry

Jeff: Why didn't you say hello to him? You know him.
Larry: I know. He wanted to do a stop-and-chat. I didn't want to do a stop-and-chat.
Jeff: "Stop-and-chat?" Where do you come up with these things?
-Jeff, Larry

Larry: You gotta get a shot and stick it in her ass.
Richard: She's not a racehorse.
-Larry, Richard

Are we settled down, you think? I mean, what do you have to be to be settled down? We have a house and chairs
-Larry

Cheryl: Larry, what is in your nose?
Larry: It's a tampon.
-Cheryl, Larry

Stella: It sounds like you appreciate the art form.
Larry: Well I appreciate naked women.
-Stella, Larry

Have you set a day aside when you're gonna finally look at her face?
-Funkhouser

See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
-Wanda

Larry: Nobody wants to have, apparently, anything to do with me because of Shaquille O'Neal.
Cheryl: That's kind of sad.
Larry: Sad? What are you, crazy?
-Larry, Cheryl

Richard: How did you see a small mole from where you were sitting?
Larry: Well I have breast vision.
-Richard, Larry

Ted: Have you ever done anything like this?
Larry: Uh, I once invested in a whore house.
-Ted, Larry

Mommy, Mommy, that bald man's in the bathroom, and there's something hard in his pants!
-Tara

I think I'll go get myself a heterosexual single woman to play golf with.
-Larry

Monena: You bought me one little raggedy-ass hot dog!
Larry: Yeah, which you proceded to blow!
-Monena, Larry

Monena: I can give four blow jobs an hour.
Larry: Four blow jobs an hour?
Monena: Oh yes, I'm good.
-Monena, Larry

She was upset? Her dog pooped all over my yard, three times.
-Larry

Have you heard of Switzerland? It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
-Larry

I am homeless, except I don't stink!
-Martine

I thought he had the "good" Hodgkins.
-Larry

Larry: I'm a man of honor.
Acupuncturist: It's a family tradition, honor.
Larry: Well, it's not in my family, but I'm trying to break the mold.
-Larry, Acupuncturist

Why don't we call the terrorists and ask them could they pick another weekend that's more suited for you?
-Wanda

I have no problem with crying in a grocery store. I would suggest, however, the next time you feel overwhelmed by something, to go to a different section.
-Larry

Hugh: F**k you!
Larry: F**k Hugh!
-Hugh, Larry

Hygienist: You remind me of my college history teacher.
Larry: Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?
-Hygienist, Larry

You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
-Larry

Cheryl: Well, I think you should write a letter of apology to him.
Larry: "Dear prick, why are you such a prick?"
-Cheryl, Larry

So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good
-Larry

Richard: A lot of people call me who are suicidal.
Larry: I don't think you'd be my suicide call.
-Richard, Larry

You called me old? You're two days older than I am.
-Larry

I thought I'd never say this, but Larry is right.
-Wanda

My wife tells her friend I'm looking for somebody to go to the movies with, so now I'm going to the the movies with my wife's friend, who I find really annoying.
-Larry

I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good place for bald people out there
-Larry

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?
-Larry

I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other n*gga. Hey baldy. Ya know.
-Larry

Larry: An ounce of schwag, $200.
Dealer: $200.
Larry: Is that a fair price you're quoting me there, sir?
Dealer: Look, you can pay me $200 or go fuck yourself. I don't need to sell the drugs. The drugs'll sell themselves.
-Larry, Dealer

(on picking up women) This is the thing that I'm the worst at in the world. This and drawing.
-Larry

Larry: He implied that I was lying about my step-father.
Jeff: You don't have a step-father!
Larry: But I didn't like the implication
-Larry, Jeff

Eddie: By the way, your lunch is on me.
Larry: I already paid for it.
Eddie: Even better.
-Eddie, Larry

You come here to fuck or you come here to talk about your dirty suit? Hmm? Fuck or suit?
-Anna

Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
-Larry

Cady: People are gonna love you.
Larry: Why are they gonna love me? People dislike me intensely.
-Cady, Larry

You throw in a "f**k," you double your laughs.
-Larry

Larry: I think I got a guy for you.
Haboos: A blind date?
Larry: Literally.
-Larry, Haboos

First of all, I commend you on the demographics. A Black, an Asian, and are you a Jew per chance?
-Larry

Walter: Are you Jewish?
Larry: You wanna check my penis?
-Walter, Larry

Anna Nicole Smith. She's got some pair of knockers on her, huh?
-Larry

You should have recused yourself. We can't go up against each other. It's in the code. The bald code.
-Larry

You know what you are? You're a social assassin.
-Jeff

Larry: I waved to a guy in a Prius and he didn't wave back.
Jeff: I don't wave to people in the same car as me.
Larry: We're Prius drivers; we're a special breed.
-Larry, Jeff

You're saying LOL. You're verbal texting.
-Larry

Can you shoot the whales from this balcony? Because sometimes I like to have blubber for breakfast
-Larry

Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: Do you crap standing up?
-Marty, Larry

I know we have our problems with these people, but man oh man, do they know what they're doing, chicken wise.
-Larry

He has no balls. I have a solid single ball.
-Jeff

I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.
-Larry

Weatherman: The jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the earth. You know who controls that? God!
Larry: There's a jet stream of bulls**t coming out of your mouth, my friend.
-Weatherman, Larry

Larry: Why don't you get a divorce?
Funkhouser: I'm too lazy.
-Larry, Funkhouser

Cheryl: Why am I always the one who initiates sex?
Larry: I'm available for sex all the time, basically, so anytime you want to have it, you can have it.
Cheryl: Wow.
Larry: But anytime I want to have it, I can't--just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder
-Cheryl, Larry

Larry: You really are your mother's daughter, aren't you?
Sammy: Yeah. Now get the f*ck out my driveway you bald prick.
-Larry, Sammy

You're comparing breasts with balls? People hate balls.
-Larry

Larry: I changed my mind. I'd like to get it back.
Richard Lewis: You can't be an East Indian-giver.
-Larry, Richard

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.
-Larry

(goading Wanda) I need a black man to get my car! Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?
-Larry

Larry: Why are you fucking around with married women?
Leon: Ass is ass, Larry.
-Larry, Leon

You know I've never actually seen the vagina with my glasses on. I don't really have any idea of what it looks like. It's all a hazy mystery to me
-Larry

My mother had a tattoo on her ass?
-Larry

A gay Jew in Nazi Germany. He must have had a hard time.
-Larry

Lucy: Here's to The Vagina Monologues.
Jeff: Hey, here's to the vagina
-Lucy, Jeff

Cheryl: Larry, please, it's fine. I don't know what you want me to say to you.
Larry: How about, "honey, I forgive you, would you like to have sex?"
-Cheryl, Larry

Larry: You know how bookstores make you feel stupid?
Jeff: Yeah.
Larry: Well health food stores make me feel really unhealthy.
-Larry, Jeff

Shara: I like you.
Larry: What's not to like.
Shara: Ehh, you're a Jew.
-Shara, Larry

Joanne: My partner and I are adopting a baby.
Larry: You got yourself a partner! I got a wife. Not exactly a partner. More like a rival.
-Joanne, Larry

Everybody's getting a chance to get divorced except me.
-Jeff

Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about.
-Larry

Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies.
Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal!
Larry: I thought he was a monkey.
-Becky, Larry

Next time you do one of these [dinner parties], I want some Jews in the house. Some Cohns, some Bernsteins, some Goldsteins... a Schwartz
-Larry

Larry: How long do you think I'd want to do that for?
Jeff: I don't know? All night long, I would assume.
Larry: It gets boring, come on.
Jeff: Fucking's boring?
-Larry, Jeff

Wang isn't a bad first name. Wang. Then you got the whole "-ang" family. Fang, Bang, Tang.
-Larry

Krazee Eyez: I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and a pop.
Larry: Oh, I like the Rice Krispies thing, yeah.
-Krazee, Larry

Craig: How long were you and Cheryl dating before you got married?
Larry: Not that long, really. We were friends for a while, and after we had intercourse we got married very quickly
-Craig, Larry

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