Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes

He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is 'don't eat when you're naked'.
-Ray

You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.
-Ray

I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.
-Ray

Oh, and honey?... I love you... yeah, get used to it, I'm gonna be saying it all the time... oka... now give the phone to Mommy.
-Ray

That's the rule of marriage: a spouse automatically has the right to know that you deflowered a woman in front of your entire apartment building.
-Ray

We must've hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.
-Ray

Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from Disneyland.
-Ray

Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?
-Ray

Don't even start with that unless you're willing to back it up with sex.
-Ray

You know, it's amazing I can function at all.
-Ray

Whatever my wife touches falls off, so you can imagine how worried I am.
-Ray

I'm not drinking this. I'll wait and see what happens to you first.
-Ray

Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing yams like the time you left Ally at the mall!
-Ray

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life .
-Ray

Zero serving six, you're fat and you smell.
-Ray

Zero serving zero ... Ray can kiss my rear-o!
-Frank

It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!
-Frank

Maybe that's why I like animals. Woof. Moo. Quack. They tell it like it is.
-Frank

When are you going to learn Ray? You can't talk sports with the wife.
-Frank

Can Hitler have a juice-box?
-Frank

I could of ate a box of Alpha-Bits and craped a better interview.
-Frank

Whatever helps you sleep at night, Peaches.
-Frank

A blank check. Your dumber than I tell people.
-Frank

I don't like games: follow the rules, pay attention, wait your turn. It's just like work dressed up like play.
-Frank

Marie, sun's up, plate's empty. Where are my eggs?
-Frank

This love stuff....we never mention it again.
-Frank

What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?
-Frank

You're a trophy wife ... what kind of contest in hell did I win?
-Frank

Hear ye, hear ye. Will all women and children please retreat to a safe distance, except for my little girl, Raymond.
-Frank

You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?
-Debra

Ray, get off of me, it's not your birthday.
-Debra

No, I didn't rupture my booty ... one time I did sprain my groove thing.
-Debra

He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.
-Marie

I'm a cop and live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.
-Robert

His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.
-Robert

It's nice to be important. But it's more important... to be nice.
-Robert

Debra, Debra, real good lookin', never wanna try her cookin'.
-Robert

How about I hit you with your own wife?
-Robert

Debra: Ray, the last thing I need is something else that eats and poops.
Ray: Okay, I'll stop doing one of the two.
-Debra, Ray

Ray: So you weren't upset about death at all?
Frank: Not until you mentioned it. Thanks, though.
-Ray, Frank

Frank: You want books? They're all yours.
Robert: Nothing Dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge.
-Franky, Robert

Ray: When you turned the key in the ignition, what did it sound like?
Debra: The rustling of divorce papers.
-Ray, Debra

Marie: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank: Anyone married to you.
-Marie, Frank

Frank: That is what the Civil War is all about. Families coming together...
Ray: To kill other families.
-Frank, Ray

Debra: Why don't we just sit and talk?
Ray: Why? What's wrong?
-Debra, Ray

Ray: I do love your body the way it is.
Debra: Oh bologna! All I had to do was stuff a couple of socks in there and you're hyperventilating!
-Debra, Ray

Robert: I'm writing the ticket!
Frank: Fine! That's Barone, B-A-R-O-N-E, as in the man from whose loins you sprung!
-Robert, Frank

Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.