Family Guy Quotes

Family Guy Quotes

Gigedy Gigedy Gigedy Gigidey Goo.
-Quagmire

Yo did ya'll check me wen that hottie was all up in my kool-aid? I wuz lookin to break off a lil sumthin sumthin but my crew gave me the 411 on dat skank and she's all about tha bling bling.
-Chris Griffin

Holy crip hes a crapple.
-Peter Griffin

Dear Diary: Jackpot!
-Quagmire

Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11. OHH!
-Quagmire

I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
-Lois Griffin

Baby needs ash! BABY NEEDS ASH! I said "ash" not "ass" you pervert. Save it for the interns.
-Stewie Griffin

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven. Seven. Seven prostitutes.
-Peter Griffin

(to a Twinkie) I'm going to turn you into POO!
-Chris

when the world ismine you death shall be quick and painless
-stewie

Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
-Quagmire

I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second: AHH!
-Peter Griffin

Easy easy! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
-Stewie Griffin

That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
-Cleveland

I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
-Peter Griffin

If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar. Hahaha...oh that's right, I went there.
-Stewie Griffin

Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch, 'cause he always puts Skippy in my lunch.
-Peter Griffin

Meg, we all miss the news, Heuy Lewis just needs time to create.
-Peter Griffin

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it... well I could ride it to the store.
-Chris Griffen

You know what I havent had in a while? Big League Chew.
-Peter Griffin

Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb...
-Stewie

The mind control device is nearing completion...
-Stewie

How bout a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!
-Brian

Yeah it's stuck in a window this time.
-Quagmire

This is my wife, lois, AHH!
-Peter

Hey, whats YOUR fatass doing here?
-Black Knight

ok, how many dirty stinkin apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? THREE! One dirty stinkin ape to screw it in and two dirty stinkin apes to throw feces at each other. hahahaha...*click-click*
-Peter

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
-Stewie

Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
-Stewie

Peter, it's seven o' clock and you've still got your pants on. Whats the occasion?
-Brian

with the cash left over I got tickets to bring on the noise bring, bring on the funk....the noise was good but I thought they phoned in alot of the funk
-Cleveland

You never gonna catch me. Forget about it!
-Greased Up Deaf Guy

There's an evil monkey in my closet!
-Chris

Peter;Well,at least i'm the fattest guy on the block to win a boat Fat Albert;Hey hey hey,I won a boat
-Peter Griffin and Fat Albert

"OH NO! NO! NO! THAT'S PEPPEREKA! OW! TAKE THAT!" *whiz*
-Stewie

Wow, that was strangly arousing
-Quagmire

The hell? Did I just get laid?
-Quagmire

You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. Your life however is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
-Stewie

(writing) Dear McGyver, enclosed is a paperclip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
-Peter

*walks to a kissing lesbian couple*
So You ladies ever been penetrated?
-Quagmire

SShhhhh. just you shut your mouth
-Dvaid Bowie

Oh hey not much, not much...so do you wanna go get wasted or something?
-Lion - O

Hello, 911? its Quagmire. yeah, yeah its in a window this time.
-Quagmire

Quagmire: Hey Meg 18 yet?
Meg: No
Quagmire: Hey Chris how are you?
Chis: Well i'm glad that I ....
Quagmire: Alll right!!! (leaves)
-Quagmire


Peter: It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are.
Lois: That's "Pewterschmidt"!
-Peter and Louis


Peter-yeah can I have a big mac, some small fries...you want something honey?...Lois-Peter she's having a baby!...Peter-oh and can I get a happy meal?
-Lois and Peter

Stewie: *looking in the fridge* Okay, let's see, we got soda, purple stuff and, OH! Sunny D! Allright!
-Stewie

*to Peter* Hey... hey big guy. You want- you want a SODA? Hmm? Do you? Do you want a SODA??
-Stewie

Come on Peter. I've seen how competitive you can get. You can't even handle losing a game of checkers.
-Brian Griffin

King me.
Look over there.
Huh?
-Brian and Peter Griffin

[Singing] Check the balls on Uncle Charlie, fa la la la la la la la la.
-Cleveland & Quagmire

I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. [Puts taffy in his mouth.]Mmmmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmm..hmmmmmm.
-Mayor Adam West

Oh GOD, it's like Orson Wells' autopsy...!
-Stewie

I'am coocoo for caca puffs.
-Peter

Why are you dressed like Re-Run?
-Peter Griffen

If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it.
-Chris Griffen

If I'm a child that makes you a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
-Peter(after Lois tells him he's childish)

[Surprised] Stewie. Did......Did you unhook mommy's bra?
-Lois Griffin

Oh I love to meet Ziggy Stardust...I take you home, make you fish bowel soup, fish bowel!" (To David Bowie, Stewie Griffin the Untold Story)
-Trisha Takanawa

(on lois&peter;'s wedding day)''I only have one thing to say to you lois...fudge fudge lemonade around the corner milk is made"
-peter

Ridin on the bus. Ridin on the bus. Sittin next to bums. There's an open seat. Hope that isn't pee.
-Peter (singing)

Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four... stake, stake, stake...
-Peter

Mom, do you want this three-way to happen or not?
-Quagmire

What the deuce are you looking at? It's just tuna......
-Stewie

Hey Lois! Diarehha!
*laughs* Peter, I'm holding ice tea!
-Peter and Lois

Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmmm.
-Old man that loves Chris

(Running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacy's basement, help me!
-Stewie

Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad. Meg: We have the same dad, idiot! Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!
-Chris and Meg

You know what I do Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.
-Stewie

Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
-Meg

Chicken...gave me a bad coupon...
-Peter

It's times like this I wish I were used for stem cell research
-Stewie


Salesman: My uncle, who's a real expert on volcanoes says one is about to erupt right here.
Peter: ~Hmmm...I too have an uncle~ but we've never had a valcomo erupt ever.
Salesman: well...don't you think we're overdue for one?
Peter: touche salesman
-Salesman and Peter


Dear diary, jackpot!
-Quagmire

Lets do this!
-Joe

Bring it ooooon!!!
-Joe

>God: Let me light that for you. (summons bolt of lightning)(bar catches fire) Jesus Christ!!
>Jesus: What!?
>God: Lets get outta here.
-God and Jesus

Image
Smokin'! Ha ha ha. Smokin'! Smokin'!
-Lois

Finally! (farts) Aahhhh...
-Martha Stewart

Brian: Oh please Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Group: *GASP*
Brian: .......Too soon?
-Brian & Group

Sure I'll go for some ice cream BUT NO SPRINKLES! for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you
-Stewie

Pow right in the kisser! Pow right in the kisser!
-Peter

Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
-Peter Griffin

Oh crapped the bells he crapped the bells oh crapped the bells well here comes Jesus he doesn't look very happy.
-Unknown character

*Brian* Ah dont feel bad peter.Hey I know what will cheer you up.*Peter* I dont think i'm in the mood.*B* Are you sure?"Its peanutbutter jelly time! Peanutbutter jelly time!Peanutbuter jelly time!Where you at,where you at a day ago! Peanutbutter jelly!P
-Brian&Peter;

*Peter*WILLSON!WILLSON!WILLSON!WILL*vollyball*My name is Voit.
-Peter&Vollyball;

Hehehehe sweeet
-Peter

Mrs.lockheart too chris
what do you see here(mrs.lockheart)
2 d's and an F
-Chris

Now, let's go back to Diane being a b***h.
-Tom Tucker

(singing)Oh, This is one fine day to be nude! Oh This is one fine day to be nude...
-Bill Clinton

Quagmire was just walking in the park when a ninja comes out of nowhere and stabs him! Then a nazi comes out! Then a pots and pans robot shoots him! We might be able to revive him...oh no! A t. rex! do..do..do...do..do...
-Peter

My name isn't Adam We! Or is it? Nobody messes with Adam We!
-Adam West

May I Have your attention please..Testicles..That'll be all.
-Peter Griffin

Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. [everyone gasps] Too soon?
-Brian

What's all the noise? I was just jerk...ed out of a sound sleep.
-Quagmire

Aw, this comic sucks, he couldn't make me laugh if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it!
-Peter

*About Meg* Brian: Whiny little runt isn't she?
Lois: *GASP*
Brian: I said RUNT.
-Brian and Lois

Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigamortis.
-Stewie

Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embaress me.
-Peter

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!
-Peter

Someone stole Santa? That does not ROCK!
-Gene Simmons

This plan is so perfect it's retarded.
-Peter

P: Here honey, I got you this greeting card. L: "I'm sorry I sold our daughter into slavery." P: Yeah, it was really hard to find one of those in English.
-Peter Lois

Bertram: What took you so long? Stewie: What took you so ugly!?
-Bertram Stewie

P: Here honey, I got you this greeting card. L: "I'm sorry I sold our daughter into slavery." P: Yeah, it was really hard to find one of those in English.
-Peter Lois

Lois: I think I'm pregnant. Peter: Oh, are you sure it's yours?
-Lois Peter

Bertram: I sense something. I presence I haven't felt since...
-Bertram

'You can't park your vehicle there, sir.' 'That's not my car. That's my son.'
-Guard Peter

Chris: Dad, you're pretty, like a girl.
-Chris

Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.
-Lois

'You understand that this means you can never see your father again.' 'That's okay. He's very--Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?'
-Art Director Chris

You make-a the pope look like a fool. God will make you pay. SMITE THEM!!!........................................................ He's-a-cookin something up.
-The Pope

Uh-oh!
-Peter

Firetrucks.Firetrucks.Firetrucks.What color are those red firetrucks?
-Peter

Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.
-Adam West

Joe: Are you wearing a girl's sweater?
Brian: Does that really matter right now?
-Joe and Brian

Whoah,whoah,whoah,whoah,whoah.Lois, this isn't my Batman glass!
- Peter

Oh,no! Someone peed in my pants!
-Chris

Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!
-bryan to mexican dude.

Heh.Alright!!!
-Quagmire

mailwoman:" Package for Glen Quagmire." Quagmire: "Oh, hold on. (leaves & comes back) I got a package for you too!"
-mailwoman, quagmire

(singing) "What do you do if you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs. What do you think of the one they call God? Don't you find his absence slightly odd?"
-chumba-wumbas

Hi Meg, you know how cute I think you are.
-Tom Tucker

Chris: "Hey dad, check out these little bananas.
Peter: "Why, you little smug bast***.
-Chris, Peter


Lois: "Peter, where did you go?"
Peter: " To the can, because kissing you made me barf."
-Peter, Lois


Peter: Hey Lois, what do you call a woman who cooks very slowly?
Lois: Peter, I swear....
Peter: Heh, heh, you call her Lois.
-Peter, Lois


Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah. You're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.
-Chris,Meg and Peter


Peter: Hey, Lois?
Lois: What?
Peter: Diarrhea.
Lois laughs: Peter, I'm holding iced tea!
-Peter and Lois

Brian: You're drunk. Stewie: You're sexy.
-Brian and Stewie

You know, Mother. They say life is like a box of chocolates. Yours, however, is a box full of ACTIVE GRENADES!
-Stewie

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