Funny People Movie Quotes
I'm really good at 'Guitar Hero,' and I thought maybe I should get a guitar. Then I thought, like, I'm really good at 'Grand Theft Auto.' Maybe I should start beating up hookers.
I think in China you're not allowed to have two daughters.
I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off!"
You can cup my balls, Leo. My balls are for the world.
I've got some advice for the ladies. Don't ever say, 'You're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth. Normally, I only get half way down, but with you I've got a ball in my mouth and I'm speaking perfectly clear.'
I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.
I thought Jews didn't like being on lists.
Are you mad that you died at the end of 'Die Hard'?
You're my best friend, and I don't even like you.
Where's the other guy? You know, the fat version of you.
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fuckin' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's fuckin' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?
Just saw the new 'Harry Potter.' Man, those kids grew up. He should be called Harold Potter. And that Hermione, she's got some tit-ties!
I just came back from the new Harry Potter movie. Harry's getting old. They should start calling him Harold Potter.
You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?
She's mousy. She's like a mouse I want to stick my dick in.
You're not funny. You're funny looking. But you're not funny.
If you don't have sex with Daisy in 10 days, I will.
Mark: When my grandfather died, there was this one candle next to his bed and the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to heaven, you know?
Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. I think he went to hell.
George: I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.
Ira: She told me she had a boyfriend.
George: She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.
George: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.
Ira: Wilgo to Wilco.
Daisy: Now we won't.
Daisy: No, I'll go with you. Just don't ever say that again.
Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.