Home Improvement Quotes

Home Improvement Quotes

It's got 3 speeds: slow, medium, and who needs a man.
-Tim

Al's gonna remove his flannel briefs and sumo wrestle with his mom!
-Tim

I am Tim "the toolman" Taylor
-Tim

Look! It's Al Al Bean!
-Tim

If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it.
-Tim

Al is my assistant. He assists me.
-Tim

Opera is a greek word isn't it? Death by music!
-Tim

I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo.
-Tim

Shut up, Al.
-Tim

Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that wouldn't go anywhere.
-Tim

There are only two words in the kitchen for a real man. 'Can' and 'opener.'
-Tim

Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.
-Tim

I need help. I'm thinkin of checkin into the Henry Ford clinic.
-Tim

It's gonna be a long winter. Al's mom saw her shadow.
-Tim

We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools.
-Tim

Mom, things have changed in the past hundred years...
-Randy

You know that when a girl punches a boy in the arm, it means she wants to get a hot kiss on lips.
-Randy

Hidee Ho Tim
-Wilson

Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!
-Al

I don't think so Tim!
-Al

Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails?
-Al

No, I'm not happy. My oldest son is heartbroken, and my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash!
-Jill

Tim is at his most romantic during the Dollar Days sale at Sears. All I have to do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalogue.
-Jill

Just go back to your tools and shut-up.
-Jill

Tim: So Al why don't you tell us what your favourite thing is about gardening.
Al: Well Tim, I always do love getting dirty with my hoe.
-TIm, Al

Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching?
Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.
-Wilson, Tim

Randy: Mark, go upstairs.
Mark: But Curtis is coming, I want to meet him.
Randy: No you don't, he is a bigger geek than you.
Mark: WOW!
-Randy, Mark

Randy: What kind of sick person hot wires his wife's car?
Tim: I think you boys are old enough to know the truth: your father is a sick, sick man.
-Randy, Tim

Jill: I don't hear anything.
Tim: Cause women can't hear power tools talking!
-Jill, Tim

Tim: You just don't understand the intricacies of the male mind.
Jill: Explain it to me, I've got a minute.
-Jill, Tim

Al: Tim, you embarrassed me today.
Tim: That's no big deal, I always embarrass you.
-Al, Tim

Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.
Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim.
Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.
-Al, Tim

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.
-Al, Tim

Tim: You think you can do what I do?
Al: Oh, please! How hard can it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
-Al, Tim

Al: I can't believe you'd be interested in this. It's quiet, it's simple, it's slow.
Tim: Just like you, Al.
-Al, Tim

Tim: What's the matter with Brad?
Randy: Well he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
-Tim, Randy

Heidi: Does everyone know what time it is?
Audience: TOOL TIME!!.
-Heidi, Audience

Jill: How was your first day at high school?
Randy: Fine, except for the guy who asked if I wanted a phone book to sit on.
Jill: Did you tell the teacher?
Randy: It was the teacher.
-Jill, Randy

Brad: I can't dance with my mother.
Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.
-Brad, Jill

Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to *do* to me?"
-Mark, Jill

Tim: Where's Randy? I need to talk to him. I just found out that I'm not God.
Jill: Oh Tim, I'm so sorry.
-Tim, Hill

Jill: What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid!
-Jill, Tim

Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.
Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.
-Tim, Brad

Wilson: Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're really here?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?
-Wilson, Tim

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