Home Improvement Quotes

Home Improvement Quotes

It's got 3 speeds: slow, medium, and who needs a man.

Al's gonna remove his flannel briefs and sumo wrestle with his mom!

I am Tim "the toolman" Taylor

Look! It's Al Al Bean!

If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it.

Al is my assistant. He assists me.

Opera is a greek word isn't it? Death by music!

I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo.

Shut up, Al.

Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that wouldn't go anywhere.

There are only two words in the kitchen for a real man. 'Can' and 'opener.'

Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

I need help. I'm thinkin of checkin into the Henry Ford clinic.

It's gonna be a long winter. Al's mom saw her shadow.

We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools.

Mom, things have changed in the past hundred years...

You know that when a girl punches a boy in the arm, it means she wants to get a hot kiss on lips.

Hidee Ho Tim

Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!

I don't think so Tim!

Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails?

No, I'm not happy. My oldest son is heartbroken, and my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash!

Tim is at his most romantic during the Dollar Days sale at Sears. All I have to do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalogue.

Just go back to your tools and shut-up.

Tim: So Al why don't you tell us what your favourite thing is about gardening.
Al: Well Tim, I always do love getting dirty with my hoe.
-TIm, Al

Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching?
Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.
-Wilson, Tim

Randy: Mark, go upstairs.
Mark: But Curtis is coming, I want to meet him.
Randy: No you don't, he is a bigger geek than you.
Mark: WOW!
-Randy, Mark

Randy: What kind of sick person hot wires his wife's car?
Tim: I think you boys are old enough to know the truth: your father is a sick, sick man.
-Randy, Tim

Jill: I don't hear anything.
Tim: Cause women can't hear power tools talking!
-Jill, Tim

Tim: You just don't understand the intricacies of the male mind.
Jill: Explain it to me, I've got a minute.
-Jill, Tim

Al: Tim, you embarrassed me today.
Tim: That's no big deal, I always embarrass you.
-Al, Tim

Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.
Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim.
Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.
-Al, Tim

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.
-Al, Tim

Tim: You think you can do what I do?
Al: Oh, please! How hard can it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
-Al, Tim

Al: I can't believe you'd be interested in this. It's quiet, it's simple, it's slow.
Tim: Just like you, Al.
-Al, Tim

Tim: What's the matter with Brad?
Randy: Well he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
-Tim, Randy

Heidi: Does everyone know what time it is?
Audience: TOOL TIME!!.
-Heidi, Audience

Jill: How was your first day at high school?
Randy: Fine, except for the guy who asked if I wanted a phone book to sit on.
Jill: Did you tell the teacher?
Randy: It was the teacher.
-Jill, Randy

Brad: I can't dance with my mother.
Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.
-Brad, Jill

Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to *do* to me?"
-Mark, Jill

Tim: Where's Randy? I need to talk to him. I just found out that I'm not God.
Jill: Oh Tim, I'm so sorry.
-Tim, Hill

Jill: What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid!
-Jill, Tim

Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.
Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.
-Tim, Brad

Wilson: Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're really here?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?
-Wilson, Tim

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