It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

Bro, when you pack on mass, you sacrifice flexibility, it's a strait up fact.


Domino, biatch!

Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
-Dee Terrell

I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!

These guys are playing hard to get, I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips!

Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all you convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
-Dee, Dennis

What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.

[to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money?

[to Frank]God you're disgusting, a disgusting animal.

Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
-Dee, Trey

That's Tammy, Trey's ex girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine Cannalan said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timmy at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because she thought Trey secretly liked Erin Hennebrary. But Trey didn't like Erin Hennebrary, it was all a bunch of bull.
- Charlie

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
-Principal, Charlie

Mac: A lot of great actors have done blackface.
Dennis: There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.
-Mac, Dennis

Charlie: Are you wearing makeup?
Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.
-Charlie, Dennis

Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
-Charlie, Mac

Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing your places in hell.

[in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.

Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
-Barbara, Frank, Charlie

He's getting a weapon everybody. Everybody get a weapon!

[to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

[to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee: Wow, That's my dad everyone!
-Frank, Dee

Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
-Frank, Charlie

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
-Brianna, Dee

Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag!
-Frank, Dee

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
-Dee, Mac, Dennis

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!
-Mac, Charlie

Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
-Mac, Dennis

When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Dee (from inside the warehouse): It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!
Frank: Uh-huh! (he tosses the match into the warehouse and runs)
-Dee, Frank

I'm not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.

Waitress (turning on Charlie): Goddammit, Charlie! Really?! Now how am I gonna pay for my rent next month, huh?
Charlie: Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)
Waitress: GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)
-Waitress, Charlie

Lil' Kev: [rapping] Let me tell y'all a story bout a girl I knew,
A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew.
She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny,
But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money,
Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass,
Body like a skeleton in science class,
Face beat up by the School of Hard Knocks,
Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox,
Its like she's skinny, fat in all the wrong places,
Mothers gotta cover they babies faces,
When she walks by people think she's Godzilla,
Straight outa Compton y'all, naw, straight outa Thrilla,
Lookin' like a zombie, walkin' like a chicken,
Mouth full of shit, that's why her breath be stinkin',
Just one question Dee, before you take your bow:
"This gravy train's leavin, so who's retarded now?"   
(pushes by Dennis snd Dee)
Later, biatch!
-Lil Kev

Charlie's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!

(To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.

(threateningly): Stay away from my bang-maid!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.
-Rickety Cricket

You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.
-Rickety Cricket

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.

The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

Dennis: Well what are we gonna do?!
Frank: We're gonna dance our asses off!!
-Dennis, Frank

Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!

Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.
-Charlie, Mac, Dennis

Dennis: Seriously Rex? You're just gonna step right in there?
Rex: I wanna win bro, billboard.
-Dennis, Rex

[Drunk and slurring] Sooo I thought we could celebrate, with some pizza! And soome beer! Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
-Frank, Dennis

[smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...

Spin Class Instructor: Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.
Sweet Dee: Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!
-Teacher, Dee

Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy!
-Charlie, Dennis

I'm saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.

By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god damn place.

What kind of a person salts another human being? There's no joy in salting someone.

My god, there's not enough salt in the world for her.

Dee & Dennis: Intervention! Intervention!
Charlie: Whoop! Whoop!
Charlie & Dennis: You're trapped! You're trapped! You're trapped!
-Dee, Charlie, Dennis

Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.

[trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.

Sorry about that, some guy in the bathroom wouldn't give me his shirt.

[reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] Alright, Oh shit there's stickers. "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike." Really? "I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real 'home run.'"

I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.

You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!

We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.

Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You’ll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.

Dennis: D: Demonstrate Value
Dennis: E: Engage Physically
Dennis: N: Nurture Dependence
Dennis: N: Neglect Emotionally
Dennis: I: Inspire Hope
Dennis: S: Separate Entirely
-Dennis System

I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes. Next year, the IRS will audit the piss out of him!

How do kids study on this god damn ritterall? I can't stop grinding my teeth

Based off the story you just told me Charlie.......I believe those Santas were running a train on your mom.....based off that story you just told me.

DID YOU FUCKING FUCK MY FUCKING MOM?!?!?! AHH!!! ('Starts to bite Santa's neck)

Now this guy seems to think you don't have a case...and I'm inclined to agree with him!
-Uncle Jack

Hey Mac, do you mind snapping a photo of us for the website? Now, and could you just put your hands over my hands, so they look like my hands?
-Uncle Jack

You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.

You can't censor me bro, I'm kind of a bad ass.

Oooh shit... Look at the door, dude. You see that door right there? The one marked pirate? You think a pirate lives in there?

Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on little jobbies.

I'm feeling very very lucky to have my asshole ripped in half like tissue paper by my father and his very good friends.

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