The Jerk Movie Quotes

I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
-Navin R. Johnson

For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
-Navin R. Johnson

Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
Marie: I don't wanna puke.
-Navin, Marie

You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
-Navin Johnson

I was born a poor black child.
-Navin R. Johnson

I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff.
-Marie

Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch.
[shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans!
-Sniper, Navin

"Damn these glasses...
Yes sir, I damn thee!"
-Navin to his Optigrab Partner

[singing]: I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
-Navin R. Johnson

Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
-Mother

Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
-Navin R. Johnson

He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
-Navin R. Johnson

I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
-Navin R. Johnson

Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
-Mother, Navin

First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
-Navin R. Johnson

Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
-Navin R. Johnson

[upset about the escargot entre] First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the plate!
-Navin R. Johnson

EVERY DAY RANDOM SON OF A BITCH! TAKE THAT YOU RUN OF THE MILL BASTARD! DIE GAS PUMPER!
-Sniper

Navin R. Johnson: You have great skin. Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a Cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: A Cosmetologist? Really? Wow. Must tough to handle the weightlessness.
-Navin, Marie


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