Knocked Up Movie Quotes

Knocked Up Movie Quotes

Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
-Pete

Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
-Pete

You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
-Pete

You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
-Pete

That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.
-Ben

Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!
-Ben

You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?
-Ben

Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
-Ben

Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?
-Ben

Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
-Ben

You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
-Ben

Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.
-Ben

Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a cum target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem? Like a million.
-Jonah

I'm going to murderball you!
-Jonah

I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
-Jonah

Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.
-Jonah

She like-a the way your dick taste.
-Jonah

Fuck me in the beard.
-Martin

Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?
-Debbie

You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!
-Debbie

He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
-Debbie

You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
-Debbie

Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
-Debbie

You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
-Jason

If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
-Ben's Dad

What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.
-Doorman

Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
-Jill

Knocked Up Movie

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
-Jay, Jonah

Ben Stone: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison Scott: And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben Stone: Yeah, I'm not very good with accents.
-Ben, Alison

Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
-Ben, Alison

Alison Scott: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
-Alison, Ben

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't...
-Alison, Ben

Jay: Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.
Jonah: That's really all he's got.
-Jay, Jonah

Ben Stone: I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
Alison Scott: Okay, just stop talking.
-Ben, Alison

Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.
Ben Stone: That's sad.
Pete: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.
-Pete, Ben

Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone: That's way too many chairs for one room!
-Pete, Ben

Alison Scott: I love your curly hair! It's great... do you use product or anything?
Ben Stone: No... I use, uh, jew it's called.
-Alison, Ben

Alison Scott: I was drunk!
Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?
-Alison, Ben

Debbie: Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
-Debbie, Pete

Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
-Debbie, Doorman

Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...
-Ben's Dad, Ben

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.
-Alison, Ben


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