My Name Is Earl Quotes

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Aw, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in.
-Earl

The last time I stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbing the DMV.
-Earl

One time me and Hank polished off four bottles of cherry mad dog and swore to each other that if one of us ever got put away for hard time, the other one would break him out. I hope he doesn't remember that.
-Earl

For a minute I wondered if, once again, I had drunk nine months of my life away.
-Earl

Don't they have special bars for the queers--I'm sorry, homosexual Americans?
-Earl

If you snatch enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace.
-Earl

I was just being nice so we could get along better like Bruce and Demi. I didn't know we'd get along three times in one night.
-Earl

The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet.
-Earl

Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your mama parks your house!
-Earl

Maybe Karma's behind this whole thing Randy. I mean the guy finally got what he deserved. Maybe Karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him.
-Earl

Nice. You kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?
-Earl

As soon as I woke up, I realized that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake.
-Earl

We're not selling a truck with a man in the back!
-Earl

Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to spray paint.
-Earl

Now, come back in. We got a whole pinata full of cigarettes you can swing at.
-Earl

Oh, yeah, give it to me, Earl. Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists.
-Joy

Sorry, sweetheart, I don't speak maid.
-Joy

I’m sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another mans baby. And for having yet another mans baby and for leaving you while you were in the hospital and… other stuff.
-Joy

Damnit, who keeps putting Mr. Turtle in the toilet?
-Joy

Every time I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest.
-Joy

Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do!
-Joy

Oh, I just thought of something I punched, a santa clause begging for money.
-Joy

You know how traditional my parents are. If they found out I got divorced and married a black man, they'd crap in a sock.
-Joy

I know what it's like to be prejudiced against, after all my husband's black.
-Joy

Look, not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business after our parents kick the bucket.
-Joy

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