I'm going to start peeing with the door open, it's going to get weird.
-Emma
I think monogamy goes against our basic biology.
-Emma
I'll be gone for like, an hour... I'm just getting some... Yogurt.
-Emma
I'm Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me!
-Emma
Adam, you're wonderful. If you're lucky you're never gonna see me again.
-Emma
You want to go with me to this stupid thing?
-Emma
That hole is my bitch!
-Emma
You look like a pumpkin, bitch!
-Emma
Wow... it looks like it's coming right at me.
-Emma wearing 3-D glasses
I'm warning you, if you take one step closer, I'm never letting you go.
-Adam
You eat like a baby dinosaur; you don't even chew.
-Adam
Don't call my penis cute. Even if it's dressed up as a Care Bear and it's giving you a care stare.
-Adam
Hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me. I don't want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me and you can't write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.
-Adam
We're sluts, Emma! We're dirty dirty sluts!
-Shira
Can I say something? And don't take this the wrong way because you know I'll be your friend no matter what. You've been kind of depressing to be around lately and I might start avoiding you in the hallway. Just thought you should know.
-Shira
God, I am single as fuck.
-Shira
Ten years from now you're gonna be having sex with your wife. And it's gonna be in the missionary position. And one of you is going to be asleep.
-Eli
I'm not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together, but I'm not prepared to say we didn't.
-Eli
I can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
-Eli
Fuck you, Chuck! You're very talented but fuck you!
-Lucy
Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time I'm taking that thing away.
-Lucy
You always do this. You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you. And I date guys who have real problems. I date guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out. You find these perfect guys and then you're like, it will never work he's too happy.
-Patrice
Don't worry, we're all doctors here, so we've seen plenty of penises.
-Patrice
When you're married and you do blow, try to stay away from women who want to fuck you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.
-Alvin
Emma: Taxi!
Emma: Take me to Adam's house!
Taxi Driver: Okay, ma'am, where's that?
Emma: Where Adam lives!
-Emma, Taxi Driver
Emma: Congrats? For what, having sex with you?
Adam: You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.
-Emma, Adam
Adam: Come on, it's one date. Just do it.
Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?
-Emma, Adam
Emma: We fell asleep and we were spooning.
Adam: We were?
Emma: Yeah. And we were spooning with our clothes on which is like 10 times worse.
-Emma, Adam
Adam: So, what's up with not calling me back?
Emma: I'm not good at this stuff.
Adam: At what? Talking?
Emma: Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.
Adam: Well, I can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.
-Emma, Adam
Adam: You know, I don't want to freak you out, but I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.
Emma: It's not really possible. I have no time. I work 80 hours a week doing 36-hour shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in 2 a.m. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.
-Emma, Adam
Alvin: How long have you two been together?
Emma: Oh, we're not.
Adam: We're sex friends.
Emma: Yes we are.
Adam: Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.
Alvin: Great Scott!
-Alvin
Shira: You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?
Emma: No. Things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.
Shira: Okay. Yes. Good! We are getting laid tonight. This is going to be like Sideways only you're Paul Giamatti and I'm the guy who gets laid.
Emma: I can't get laid?
Shira: No. Tonight is about me, Emma. I'm feeling hot. I'm feeling good. I'm wearing bikini bottoms because my other underwear is dirty. Alright, we're hot. You feel hot?
Emma: No one threw up on me today.
Shira: We're sluts, Emma. We're dirty, dirty sluts!
Emma: Okay.
Shira: Remember, we're sluts!
-Shira, Emma
Emma: Do you wanna do this?
Adam: Do what?
Emma: Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night. Nothing else.
Adam: Yeah, I could do that.
Emma: Good. It's gonna be fun.
-Emma, Adam
Eli: You know what the best part about my gay dads is?
Adam: What?
Eli: They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.
-Eli, Adam
Emma: Sometimes, my neck gets sore.
Adam: Why?
Emma: Because my brain is so big.
-Emma, Adam
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