The Office Quotes
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know. There's gambling and alcohol... And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
Jim Halpert: Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--
Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on?! What are you doing?!
Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?
Michael Scott: Mmhh, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: Mmmm... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
-Michael, Oscar, Stanley
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into the wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: [muffled] That's what she said.
Jim Halpert: Where do you wanna go for dinner?
Pam Beesley: I donno I kind of hate all our regular places right now. [pause] Oh, you know what? That one--
[Jim stops and gets down on one knee]
Jim Halpert: Hey Pam. Will you wait for me one second, while I tie my shoe?
Pam Beesley: I hate you.
[Jim catches up to Pam, both laughing]
Jim Halpert: What! My shoe was untied. What is your problem? Oh my God! You thought I was- Oh, no no...
Pam Beesley: Ohh how could I have thought that? How could I have though that?
Michael Scott: Man I would love to burn your candles!
Jan: You burn it you buy it!
Michael Scott: Oh good! I'll be your first customer!
Jan: You're hardly my first.
Michael Scott: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!
Michael Scott: [after sipping wine] That is sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Jim Halpert: What was that?
Jim is like, Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No. I don't think so. Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. If I was gonna put someone in charge I would put Bert in charge. Or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge like Marie or Gordon, maybe.
Today is Thursday, and Dwight thinks it's Friday, and that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectantly. I, uh, I tried calling but I kept getting voicemail.
Michael Scott: Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher, like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students. And then like 12 other kids came forward.. it was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.
Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!
I guess he can't get any girl he wants.
I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. I joke around with 'em, you give 'em pizza, you give 'em candy. You let 'em live their lives. They're adults for God sake.
Dwight Schrute: We are in the stairwell. We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Okay you know what, you really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
We had a foreign exchange student when I was young. And, we called him my brother, and that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans, with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: A fake brother who steals your jeans.
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? [points thumbs to himself] This guy!
Jim Halpert: What has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points thumbs to himself] This guy!
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