Roseanne TV Show Quotes
If I ever get off this sofa I will be unstoppable.
Now all we need is some half wit in the front yard... We are officially poor white trash.
Now that im rich I don't have time to run other people's lifes.
I eat the same amount of food as they do, I just don't puke when I'm done.
Well, Mom's crying, it's officially halloween.
I consider myself a good judge of people and that's why i don't like none of em.
God if you and me ever team up, wow!
I mean you can go and stick your head in the sand all you want but I would not do it around Fred if I was you !
I'll snap your spine like a potato chip, bitch!
Something is up, let's look for clue. David is pale and shaky so there is no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me and complimented her brother hmm let me guess. Your pregnant!
Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt.
The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have sugar in it!
Men aren't dogs. Dogs are loyal.
On my show, mother knows best and father knows squat!
Whoa! Cool it before I give my wife a donut to kick your butt.
Eventually, like a man crossing the desert, comes sweet, sweet death.
Don't touch that creamed corn.
Aunt Jackie took her seditives. I tried giving them to DJ but he wouldn't take them.
Do you think boobs will effect my pitching?
Yeah DJ's finally got a friend that's not imaginary.
Oh, I think I found my lost hamster.
I can make you feel like a man...Take out the trash.
Not me, I don't have anyone...it's just me. Me and my ganja.
Well, we can't all be a happily married couple who love each other and who each weigh 500 pounds!
Jackie Harris: He is very good looking and I didn't see a ring!
Roseanne: Careful Jackie, he might see your dorsal fin moving through the water!
Jackie: Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?
Roseanne: Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.
Jackie: I'm just waiting for you to say 'Jackie, you might be right'.
Roseanne: Yeah? I'm waiting for chocolate air.
You guys don't think we get your corny little sex jokes.
You kids are our corny little sex jokes.
Becky: Cindy Clark's mom lets her stay home alone!
Roseanne: YEAH WELL CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A DRUNKEN SLUT!
Becky: Mom, where's my history book?
Roseanne: I sold it.
Roseanne: That’s not funny! You’re grounded ’til menopause.
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father’s.
Darlene: Hey D.j. wanna know why i swaer?
D.J.: Ya why?
Darlene: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Roseanne: no matter what we do we're gonna screw our kids up! Let me have Darlene and you can have Becky.
Dan: what about D.J?
Roseanne: we'll flip for it
Dan: Tonight, you are officially the biggest ass in the world.
Roseanne: Can this day get any better?
Dan: Oh man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.
Darlene: You threw biscuits at grandma?
Roseanne: No, I didn't want to hit D.J. you know how soft his skull is.
Dan: Do you ever regret marrying me?
Roseanne: Only every second of my life.
Dan: You want me to make dinner? Fine, I am making dinner!
Roseanne: Oh but honey you just made dinner 3 years ago!
DJ: Hey mom look, I ate my poptart into the shape of a gun.
Crystal: I definitely want a girl.
Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.