Roseanne TV Show Quotes

If I ever get off this sofa I will be unstoppable.
-Roseanne

Now all we need is some half wit in the front yard... We are officially poor white trash.
-Roseanne

Now that im rich I don't have time to run other people's lifes.
-Roseanne

I eat the same amount of food as they do, I just don't puke when I'm done.
-Roseanne

Well, Mom's crying, it's officially halloween.
-Roseanne

I consider myself a good judge of people and that's why i don't like none of em.
-Roseanne

God if you and me ever team up, wow!
-Roseanne

I mean you can go and stick your head in the sand all you want but I would not do it around Fred if I was you !
-Roseanne

I'll snap your spine like a potato chip, bitch!
-Roseanne

Something is up, let's look for clue. David is pale and shaky so there is no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me and complimented her brother hmm let me guess. Your pregnant!
-Roseanne

Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt.
-Roseanne

The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have sugar in it!
-Roseanne

Men aren't dogs. Dogs are loyal.
-Roseanne

On my show, mother knows best and father knows squat!
-Roseanne

Whoa! Cool it before I give my wife a donut to kick your butt.
-Dan

Eventually, like a man crossing the desert, comes sweet, sweet death.
-Dan

Don't touch that creamed corn.
-Dan

Aunt Jackie took her seditives. I tried giving them to DJ but he wouldn't take them.
-Becky

Do you think boobs will effect my pitching?
-Darleen

Yeah DJ's finally got a friend that's not imaginary.
-Darleen

Oh, I think I found my lost hamster.
-Darleen

I can make you feel like a man...Take out the trash.
-Darlene

Not me, I don't have anyone...it's just me. Me and my ganja.
-Jackie

Well, we can't all be a happily married couple who love each other and who each weigh 500 pounds!
-Jackie

Jackie Harris: He is very good looking and I didn't see a ring!
Roseanne: Careful Jackie, he might see your dorsal fin moving through the water!
-Jackie, Roseanne

Jackie: Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?
Roseanne: Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.
-Jackie, Roseanne

Jackie: I'm just waiting for you to say 'Jackie, you might be right'.
Roseanne: Yeah? I'm waiting for chocolate air.
-Jackie, Roseanne

You guys don't think we get your corny little sex jokes.
You kids are our corny little sex jokes.
-Roseanne, Darlene

Becky: Cindy Clark's mom lets her stay home alone!
Roseanne: YEAH WELL CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A DRUNKEN SLUT!
-Roseanne, Becky

Becky: Mom, where's my history book?
Roseanne: I sold it.
-Roseanne, Becky

Roseanne: That’s not funny! You’re grounded ’til menopause.
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father’s.
-Roseanne, Darlene

Darlene: Hey D.j. wanna know why i swaer?
D.J.: Ya why?
Darlene: SHUT THE HELL UP!
-D.J., Darlene

Roseanne: no matter what we do we're gonna screw our kids up! Let me have Darlene and you can have Becky.
Dan: what about D.J?
Roseanne: we'll flip for it
-Roseanne, Dan

Dan: Tonight, you are officially the biggest ass in the world.
Roseanne: Can this day get any better?
-Roseanne, Dan

Dan: Oh man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.
-Roseanne, Dan

Darlene: You threw biscuits at grandma?
Roseanne: No, I didn't want to hit D.J. you know how soft his skull is.
-Darlene, Roseanne

Dan: Do you ever regret marrying me?
Roseanne: Only every second of my life.
-Dan, Roseanne

Dan: You want me to make dinner? Fine, I am making dinner!
Roseanne: Oh but honey you just made dinner 3 years ago!
-Roseanne, Dan

DJ: Hey mom look, I ate my poptart into the shape of a gun.
Crystal: I definitely want a girl.
-DJ, Crystal

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