Saturday Night Live (SNL) Quotes
[On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.
Alex Trebek: Let's just go with FOREIGN FLICKS for 800.
Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo twice.
Alex Trebek: That's foreign FLICKS, Mr. Connery.
In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday, witnesses emotionally testified about the abuse the former dictator inflicted on them. Afterward, a tearful Saddam said, 'Ah, good times.
President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed.
South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.
A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night.
A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants.
George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Poptart?
[meeting Paris Hilton] Hi, it's nice to meet you. I really enjoy your show. Isn't it embarassing to dress like a slut all of the time?
Reverend Jesse Jackson: [during the 1988 Democratic presidential debates] We have come a long way; from the field house to the big house, from the big house to the White House ,
[loses his train of thought]
Reverend Jesse Jackson: uh, to the outhouse, uh...
-Reverend Jesse Jackson
George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob Dole: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.
According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.
Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!
Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you a broken and miserable man.
A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there.
Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour. Or, as it's called around FEMA, casual friday.
Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.
[as radio DJ] ... and we're back!
In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please
[blows a kiss]
[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Norm Macdonald: A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.
[Norm holds up a handful of money]
Norm Macdonald: [slyly] Don't I know it?
Good evening, this is the fake news.
[after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.
So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
-Langford T. Belmont
You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well, I'm Steve. What can I get you?
[talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...
-George H.W. Bush
Norm MacDonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
[audience laughs or hisses]
Norm MacDonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.
I think I just coughed up my nards. No, wait, it could be grapes. No, it is my nards.
[adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.
[on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]
There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I don't know.
Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I guess so.
Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.
-Harry Caray, Colin
The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
[singing] You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta shave Grandma's poodle/'Cause Grandma would so the same for you. You gotta libby/You gotta labby/You gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby. 'Cause you should know Grandmas are people too. Oh, you gotta love your Grandma. Now if you listen to the words of this song/You know they're coming straight from the heart/Never make fun of your Grandma, even when she rips a juicy fart/You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta stop playing with your noodle/'Cause Grandma said it'll make you go blind/You gotta gipper/You gotta giper/You gotta change Grandma's diaper/And then pretend you really didn't mind. Whoa-Respect to the Grandma.
[singing] You gotta gish/You gotta gash/You gotta wax Grandma's mustache/And lay out socks and make sure they match. Whoa yeah, you gotta help out your Grandma.
This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.
- Jackie Rogers Jr.
Get out of here before I love you too much... GET OUT.
Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family.
Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.
I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
[interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.
Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
Alex Trebek: Who's there?
Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!
because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
[after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?
Wow. Wowee wow wow wow.
“Let me tell you why I suck as a sellman....”
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