Scrubs TV Show Quotes

Scrubs TV Show Quotes

Drew: Everything I own is in this box.
Turk: Say it!
JD: I'm your biatch.
-Turk, JD

Lucy: A hat, some ramen, and a car battery? Don't you have personal things?
Drew: I had that battery a long time.
-Drew, Lucy

People are just bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.
-Dr. Cox

[Looking at X-ray revealing a lightbulb in the patient.]
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you there Bobbo, either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
-Dr. Cox

Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
-Dr. Cox

You seem unhappy. I like that.
-Janitor

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.
-Elliot, Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?
JD: Uh, we... uh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
-Dr. Cox, JD

Turk: Surgery is long, tedious and boring.
Cole: Oh I get it, like episodes of Entourage that revolve around Turtle.
-Turk, Cole

Turk: You know, I never get chocolate cake.
Elliot: Oh, right, cause you're diabetic. Boo hoo. You know Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!
-Turk, Elliot

I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.
-Dr. Cox

This moment is so great I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of little moments!
-Dr. Cox

Lucy, it's not cancer cancer. That kind of cancer is for uglies and people who put laptops on their balls.
-Cole

Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
JD: This one needs courage.
Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
-Turk, JD

You have no idea how many times I've been out late and had to pass on my seventh drink. No more Mr. Responsible.
-Kelso

Cole: I already know what i'm going to call my surgical practice. Cole Cutz.
Turk: With a z?
Cole: That's right! Man, you gotta knock before you enter Cole's brain.
-Cole, Turk

Carla: You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done "playing racquetball" or "having a conversation" or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.
Dr. Cox: It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan, she sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
-Carla, Dr. Cox

Check it, I put orange soda in my IV bag, I'm like a hamster yo.
-Cole

JD: Who put this mistletoe up?
The Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.
JD: But I've only worked here three months.
-JD, Janitor

I'm actually going to return those pants. They were skinny jeans and I couldn't pull them off. Literally. Took me like an hour to get them off.
-Drew

You don't want to be a surgeon, Cole, it's boring and it sucks. It's the complete opposite of a water slide.
-Turk

Do you believe in fate? Like the stuff they talk about in the boring parts of Lost.
-Cole

I always thought a surgeon would hook me with some sweet calf implants or a robot arm, but I never thought one would save my life.
-Cole

Cole [impersonating Lucy]: I think horses should go into space.
Lucy: I never said that. Why would I want fewer horses on Earth? That's crazy.
-Cole, Lucy

Thanks again Turkleton for giving me the lift. Hitching rides with the students was not working out. The constant stops at keg parties and strip clubs. They just weren't into them. Hey, nobody hustles Kelso while in the champagne room. That is my house.
-Kelso

Set my DVR to record The Big Bang Theory. The whole world is watching this thing and I need to know why.
-Cox

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