The Simpsons Quotes

The Simpsons Quotes

D'oh!
-Homer Simpson

I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
-bart

whats the matter homer?
-moe

Aye Carumba!
-Bart

The police couldn't even catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party!
-Homer

I don't even have a last name. I'M JUST WILLIE! - Groundskeeper Willie
-Groundskeeper Willie

You've mastered a dead tounge. BUT CAN YOU HANDLE A LIVE ONE!?
-Groundskeeper Willie

Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
-Ralph

I taste FREEDOM!
-Sideshow Mel

Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air? Kids: We'd kill ourselves!
-Krusty and kids

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid, Donna Dixon.
-Homer

The lamp's running away! Grandpa that's my dog.
-Grandpa & Bart

Hey, you're right! It doesnt hurt any more. Now I can focus of my crippling emotional pain..... Dad, Daddy, why? Why wont you hug me? You hugged the mailman.
-moe

the doctor says it wouldn't bleed so much if I kept my finger outta there!
-ralph

I bent my wookie!
-ralph

I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
-bart

Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
-bart

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-homer

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
-bart

I ate-d the purple barries!
-ralph wiggum

I cannot promise i'll try, but i'll try to try
-Bart

God Schmod, i want my Monkey man.
-Bart

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to 'speed' around a city, keeping its 'speed' over fifty, and if its 'speed' dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
-Homer

Pain was like a drug, but what was more like a drug were the drugs.
-Homer

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!!
-Homer

This is the biggest frameup since OJ. Wait a minute...the blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monolouges?! Oh my god he did it!!!
-Homer

The restraining order says "no no", but her eyes say "yes yes"
-Comic Book Guy

Hi, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I was doin my rounds and uh, I'm a little behind.
-Bart

Now, throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
-Ned Flanders

Le Grille?!! What the hell is that??!
-Homer

I wanna set the record straight...I thought the cop was a prostitute.
-Homer

*Gasps* Computers can do that?!?
-Homer

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals... fLAMing!!
-Homer

No one's gay for Moleman.
-Hans Moleman

eat my shorts!!
-Bart

my cat's breath smells like cat food
-ralph

Mmmm..... Beer!
-Homer

Mmm...64 slices of American Cheese!
-Homer

Surely there's no harm lying in the middle of a public street.
-Sideshow Bob

Excellent!
-Montgomery Burns

I WANT MY ELEPHANT!! I WANT MY ELEPHANT!!
-Bart

English? pfff, who needs that? i'm not going to England
-Homer

Me? Fail English? That's Un-possible!
-Ralph

At my house we call fires 'uh-ohs'.
-Ralph

Ralphie: Eww...daddy! It tastes like Grandma!
Wiggum: Hey, you're right. It does taste like Grandma!
Ralphie: I want more!
-Ralphie and Officer Wiggum

Excellent
-Mr.Burns

oh boy trash cookies, uh oh I think I ate a dog food lid
-Bart

Why you little.....
-Homer

*BURP*
-Barney

Hi I'm Troy McLure. You may remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly and 3x2= -Fun.
-Troy McLure

Trying is the first step towards failure.
-Homer Simpson

I didn't do it
-Bart

I'm Idaho.
-Ralph

Duffman can never die! Only the actors who play him
-Duffman

Stupid best friend Flanders....
-Homer

Alchol is a way of life! Alchol is my way of life and I plan on keeping it!!
-Homer

Oh ya drugs...you gotta have drugs.....
-Homer

Well, I paid for this ticket, that means I'm going.(climbs out window,then returns) I love you Krusty-wusty.(kisses doll)
-Bart

Are You kidding? I can pull a better cartoon outta my aaaa..hey hey kids! Wasn't that a great cartoon?
-Krusty the Clown

WE HAVE A KITCHEN?!
-Homer

Ah, my heart just stopped...Oh, there it goes.
-Barney

(reading Lisa's Valentine card) 'You Choo-Choo-Choose me?'
-Ralph

Mmm...Strained peas!
-Homer

The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into a football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
-Homer

Uh, Homer Sexual? C'mon, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual! Heh heh, don't look at me!
-Moe and Homer

Eat My Shorts!
-Bart

Here comes Screwy, the mechanical rabbit.
-Announcer

Awwwwwwwwww twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut! Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Explain how! Money can be used to buy goods and services! Whoo hooo!
-Homer

Being eaten by a crocodile is like falling asleep...in a giant blender.
-Homer

When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
-Ralph

Haw-haw!
-Nelson

Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog!
-Poochie

Pick me, pick me teacher. I'm ever-so smart!
-Martin

I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox.
-Shary Bobbins

Mmm...Chocolate, ooh...double chocolate, (gasp) new flavor...TRIPLE chocolate!!!!!
-Homer

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
-Ralph

Willy: It brings us love KILL IT, BREAK ITS LEGS!! Smithers: Noo it's Mr.Burns! Willy: Awww, its Mr. Burns.. KILL IT KILL IT!!
-Grounds Keeper Willy and Smithers

Family Guy        Saved By the Bell          Fresh Prince


I must save the wee turtles! If I dont' save the wee turtles who will!? AHH SAVE ME FROM THE WEE TURTLES! They were too quick for me!
-Grounds Keeper Willy

GRREASE ME UP WOMAN! ...ookie dokie.
-Grounds Keeper Willy & Lunch Lady Dorris

homer: hey moe I have this friend named joey joe joe shabado
moe: that is the worst name ever
(man runs away)
barney: hey joey joe joe!!
-homer,moe, man, barney

I got some cool pogs, alf pogs, remember alf he's back in pog form
-milhouse van houten

(Squirts ketchup in a bullseye on bare chest)
Homer: Here, shirty shirt shirt.
-Homer

thank you.come again.
-apu

Take that, you lousy dimension!
-Chief Wiggum

mmmm... crayon tastes like purple
-Homer

Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my head!
-Homer

Okay brain, you dont like me and i dont like you
-Homer

"I call the big one bitey"
-Homer
"HEY!!!! This bandstand wasn't double bolted!"
-James Brown

Don't have a cow, man!
-Bart

If only they had peewee hockey when I was a lad.
-Snake

I-i have to do this for work.
-Homer

I think i wet my bed!
-Ralph

"They taste like... burning!".
-Ralph Wiggum

Ha, Ha!!!!
-Nelson

Well, class, the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by... ''some guy.'' And our country isn't called America anymore... it's Bonerland.
-Mrs. Krabappel.

The world needs a clown.
-Young Milhouse

Look what you've done, you flying fat man!
-Apu

Why do people run away from me? (wets pants)
-Ralph Wiggum

Stupid gravity
-Homer

You're not sharks, you're dolphins, the clowns of the sea
-Lenny

stupid tv! be more funny!
-homer

Marge: Now Homer don't you eat this pie! Homer: ok pie im just going to do this (chomping sound) and if you get eaten it's your own fault (walks forward with eyes closed making the chomping sound.........hits the wall) ooooooo crap it hurts oooooooo!!!!
-Homer and Marge

Baby made a boom-boom
-Homer

Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall!
-Homer

Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.
-Rod Flanders

Lisa: That's Latin, Dad; the language of Plutarch. Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog
-Lisa Homer

Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
-Ralph Chief Wiggum

Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
-Moe

Mmm...Urinal fresh.
-Homer

Mmm...Crumbled-up cookie things.
-Homer

Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet?
-Rod Flanders

Mmm...Ooh...Maca-ma-damia nuts.
-Homer

Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
-Selma

Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
-Homer

If you think I'm cuddly, And you want my company, Come on wifey, let me know. Ugh ugh ugh.
-Ned Flanders

Ay ay ay. Me no gusta.
-Bumblebee Man

Robot Animals: (singing) You're the birthday, you're the birthday, you're the birthday boy or girl.
-Robot Animals

Mmm...something.
-Homer Simpson

Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Synder again! Is that a bad thing? Well, he's had it in for me since I've ran over his dog. You did? Well, replace the kind of with the word repeatedly and the word dog with son.
-Lionel (the attorney man) & Marge

Mmmmm..... Corn Starch......
-Homer

Because no one ever suspects the Butterfly.
-Bart

USA! USA!
-homer

Moe: it can deep fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. homer: *sigh* but I want it now
-homer & moe

Le grille? What the hell is that?
-homer

eww...daddy, this tastes like grandma!
-ralph wiggum

(looking into mirror) Mirror mirror on the wall who's the baldest of them all...?
-Homer

Bonjourrrrrrrr, yeh cheese-eating surrender monkeys!
-Groundskeeper Willy teaches French

I can't drive 55...I can only drive 38.
-Comic Book Guy

Hey, Marge, look! A walk-in microwave!
-Homer

Hey! Phone call for Al C'hol!
-moe

Bart:Can I bring my lazer pointer?
Homer: Why do I care?
-Bart and Homer

Homer:Now I think you owe me half a sandwhich
*Marge takes out sandwhich*
Marge:I always keep one near the bedside for you.
-Homer and Marge

Bart: bla bla bla bla bla sit. santa's little helper: (sits)
-bart and santa's little helper

*choking bart* YOU WRECKED MY LIFE!
-Older Lisa

*running to a cliff nude* I can fly! I can fly! OK, I can't fly. But I can glide! *jumps off cliff*
-Bus Driver

*yelling*Why did you buy the first hover car ever made?
-Bart

What are you going to do? Release the dogs? or the bees? or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-Homer

OOH!! they have the internet on COMPUTERS now!!!
-Homer

Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's saying! I wish I was at home watching tv with a bag of chips.Mmm...chips...
-Homer

Uh oh, I think I might have brained my damage
-Homer

Bart no like, bad medicine
-Bart

Lisa crying: I'm a monster Homer: No the only monster here, and I call him gamblor. Come we must save her from his neon clutches
-Lisa and homer

Bart I don't want to alarm you, but there is a possiabilty that the boogyman or boogymen my be in the house
-Homer

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer.
-Homer

Kids,you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The leson here is, never try.
-homer

Urge to kill... rising.
-Homer

NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY!!!!
-homer

Satin:Oh, hey Bart
Bart:hey
-Satin and Bart

Homer:DAAAAAAAAVID LETTERMEN!
Grandpa:Hi David im Grandpa!
Homer:DOH!
-Homer and Grandpa

Homer: DAAAAAAAAAAVID LETTERMEN!
-Homer and Grandpa

Bart:Mom is dad gonna kill us?
Marge: we'll just have to wait and see.
-Marge and Bart

Homer:No TV and no beer make Homer go something...something
Marge: Go...crazy..?
Homer:DONT MIND IF I DO!!!!!!!!!
-Homer and Marge

Bernie: Duh Homer why are we down here? Homer: Oh I already told you Bernie to guard the bee. Co worker: But why? Homer oh you guys are pathedic no wonder Smithers made me head bee guy. (Jar breaks). Bernie: Duh its getting away. Co worker: We did bad.
-Homer, Bernie and co worker

Uh, hello, uh, Mrs. Bart. Is your pool ready yet?
-Jimbo

WOO HOO! I'M A COLLEGE MAN! I WON'T BE NEEDING MY DIPLOMA ANYMORE!
-HOMER

Hey, horseface! Get your ugly pie hooks off that Summer Fun set!!!!!!!!!!!
-lISA

He's going to kill Rod and Todd, too! That's horrible...in principle.
-Bart

Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!
-Homer

Ralph to wolf:Will you be my mommy?
The wolf leaves carrying Ralph in its mouth.
Ralph: You smell like dead bunnies!
-Ralph

Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and 'Sweatin' To the Oldies' volumes 1, 2 and 4.
-Ned Flanders

Milhouse: (after he sniffed the comic book) It smells like my Grandpa.
-Milhouse

Las vegas girl " i need to take a shower where are the wet ones?"
Flanders " oh we have real bathrooms here"
-Hooker and flanders

(Singing) I am so smart, I am so smart! S M R T! I mean, S M A R T!
-Homer

Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.