Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Quotes

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Quotes

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Hey! It's me, America!

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.

Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.

I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?

Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

I'd love to sign your baby!

Slingshot: engaged.

If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about? That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.

Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

Yep, flying through the air this is not good.

No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?

Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces... new born infant jesus,don't even know a word yet.

This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.

Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!
-Reese Bobby

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

Shake 'n Bake!
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!
-Cal Naughton, Jr.

Hi, I'm his lady. I'm Susan. I painted the car, I... we had sex.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

Hakuna Matata, bitches!
-Jean Girard

Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.
-Jean Girard

My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't

Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!
-Texas Ranger

Step Brothers Quotes          Anchorman Quotes

You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?
-Texas Ranger

Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.
-Texas Ranger

Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
-Cal, Ricky

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky, I think your house is haunted.
Ricky Bobby: Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
Ricky Bobby: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
-Cal, Ricky

Ricky Bobby: You can't have two number ones.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah, 'cause that would be eleven.
-Cal, Ricky

Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.
-Teacher, 10 Year old Ricky

Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby: Come on!
Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
Chip: What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
-Dinner Conversation

Chip: Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?
Ricky Bobby: Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!
Carley Bobby: If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
-Chip, Ricky, Carley

Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!
Jean Girard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
-Ricky, Jean, Bartender

Ricky: I'm going fast again!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: How fast is he going?
Lucius: 26 miles per hour.
-Ricky, Cal, Lucius

Lucius Washington: Okay, we have got to get that car back onto the race track or our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now I'm gonna ask you: do any of you guys wanna go fast?
Ricky Bobby: I wanna go fast!
-Lucius, Ricky

Larry Dennit, Jr.: That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.
Ricky Bobby: With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.
-Larry, Ricky

Ricky Bobby: You sick, sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Lucius Washington: Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
-Ricky, Lucius

Susan: It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby: Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
-Susan, Ricky

Follow Funny Quotes Today on Facebook and Twitter for the Quote of the day.