There's Something About Mary Movie Quotes

I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
-Ted

Is that... is that hair gel?
-Mary

Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted: Cause I'm tired...
Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
-Dom, Ted

We got a bleeder!
-Paramedic

He was masturbating! He was masturbating!
-Warren

Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
-Step-Father

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.
-Pat, Brett Favre

Mary: You've been to Nepal?
Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.
-Mary, Pat

I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
-Mary

Magda: What are you doing?
Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing.
Magda: But you just slept with me.
Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary.
-Magda, Boyfriend

He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!
-Ted

[after Mary asks Ted to the prom]
Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.
High School Pal Bob: You're a fuckin' liar!
-Ted, Bob

What about Brett Fav... ruh?
-Ted

Have you seen my baseball?
-Warren

His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. / His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. / They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo, / But there's something about Mary that they don't know. / Mary, there's just something about Mary.
-Jonathan

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.
-Ted, Pat

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.
-Ted, Pat

Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.
-Pat Healy

Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!
-Mary

The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.
-Magda

Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.
-Dom

Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.
-Pat Healy

Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?
-Dom

Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!
-Step Father

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...
-Pat, Ted

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