Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes
HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?
What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met Craig?"!
Claire Cleary: Yes, that's funny. It's funny because it's true. People like funny.
John Beckwith: I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to like this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: I think you're wrong.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh. I'm sticking to it.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
Your brother. He's down again.
What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Old Italian Woman: Who's that?
Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober now for eight months.
Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they told us has been a complete fabrication!
This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
John Beckwith: You can't marry this guy.
Claire Cleary: Why?
John Beckwith: Because I've fallen for you.
Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?
[confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.
Pick up your fucking skateboard!
John Beckwith: Oh, *you're* gonna cover me.
Claire Cleary: Like white on rice.
John Beckwith: All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
[to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.
- John Beckwith
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room, painting.
Todd Cleary: Homo things!
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.
You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don't you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, 'cause I think I might get vulnerable again.
Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!
I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.
You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: "Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead!"
Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
But that wife of his, Eleanor... Big dyke! Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"
Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
-Jeremy Grey, Guest
I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule #115!
[speaking to Father O'Neil about Gloria] She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it! It turns me on.
Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make it honest, I get it...
She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!
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