Funny Twitter Quotes

Funny Twitter Quotes

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The Queen's been sitting on the throne for 60 years! Shouldn't she try a laxative?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Always remember you are unique - just like everybody else.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

I'm going to buy a dog, name is naked and tell people i have to walk naked down the street.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I do give the waiters a good tip, but they never seem to take or appreciate my advice.

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